Breaking off
by Brigitte
Summary: What could have happened if Harm and Mac had been lovers since Russia . This is a re-creation of season 4 and 5, from To Russia With Love until Boomerang
1. Breaking off

BREAKING OFF  
  
1/11 -  
  
RESIDENCE OF SARAH MACKENZIE - GEORGETOWN September 25th, 1998  
  
Her lover's hand glided lazily from her breasts to her belly and stayed still, wide and warm. Mac, snuggled up to him, was listening his heart's beating. They did not speak, savoring the silence.  
  
He began to move as if to get up, and Mac's heart paused briefly. When would he be ready to stay till the morning? To stay through the night with her, help her to get over her fears like she had helped him to find his father ?  
  
Since they were back from Russia last May, they had entered a reassuring routine, even if the passionate affair they were having could hardly be called a 'routine'. Proof of this were the clothes fallen on the floor , leading the way from the hastily closed apartment door to Mac's room : his white spencer, her black sandals, the evening gown borrowed from the CIA, which showed the signs of their stormy night at the Sudanese embassy . The apartment was not that big, and they were in the bedroom before they were fully undressed.  
  
In Harm's loft, it was more difficult.  
  
She grabbed his hand and tried to get him back.  
  
" You can stay, you know. That would not bother me . "  
  
She wanted to tell him not to go away, not to leave her alone, but once again she was afraid of opening up to him, and then not be able to face the consequences.  
  
Since their first night in Moscow, when she had returned to the hotel after her dinner with Sokol, they seemed to share an unspoken agreement. They would act as if nothing had changed. And when they made love, they asked no questions. They couldn't. Not yet.  
  
She knew she could never forget that night.  
  
Sokol had driven her back to the hotel, and followed her in the hallway. He had kissed her on both cheeks, promising to call back as soon he had the information about the number Harm had given to him. Then he had left. She had walked slowly towards the lift, lost in her thoughts. While she was standing there, waiting for the lift to arrive, she had felt a hand on her shoulder. Sure Sokol had come back, she was hoping he was not thinking about .  
  
" Please, don't do that, I want us to stay friends . "  
  
But it was Harm's voice that answered her. She turned to face him as he continued to speak.  
  
" I thought we still were friends, Mac. But I believe you were not speaking to me, right? " " What are you doing here? You were waiting for me? " " Not really. I just spent some time with a beer bottle feeling alone in the bar . and then you came back . I thought if you weren't alone, you would find it difficult to explain what I was doing in the room. " " You're a boor, Harm. I had dinner with him for you, to help you find your father. "  
  
The lift just opened, they got in and did not speak again until they reached their room.  
  
Harm did not want to drop the subject. He felt that Mac liked Sokol, as she had liked Mark Falcon back then during their investigation on the Hornet. He did not really know why, but their newborn friendship was getting on his nerves.  
  
Mac thought the subject was over, but as soon the door closed, he spoke again.  
  
" You tried to seduce him so you could help me find my father? " " I did not try to seduce him. I was just being polite to a man who was taking me out for dinner, whatever the reason. " " You never dress like that when I'm taking you out for dinner. " " You never take me out for dinner. We have Chinese noodles together in the shop around the corner, or we share a pizza while we're working late on a case. I don't consider that as a proper dinner invitation, Harm. Look, let's forget it and go to bed . It's late ... "  
  
Smiling ironically, he nodded towards the non so comfortable armchair where he had spent the previous nights.  
  
" Great idea, Mac, my back still hurts from last night. I can't wait to 'go to bed' there again. " " Listen, Harm, the bed is big enough for both of us. I feel bad about you sleeping there, you need to rest. Why don't you come over here ? Remember the Appalachians? It won't be the first time I've spent the night in your arms.? "  
  
The easy joke brought a smile to Harm's lips and they went to bed in a comfortable mood, like two old pals. Mac felt safe next to Harm's body in this unknown bed, and she quickly fell asleep.  
  
She had half waked up in the middle of the night, cuddled up against a warm and hard body, captive of his strong arms. As if moved by its own will, her hand had drawn signs on the undershirt of the man laying near her, tracing the muscles of his torso, moving slowly up to his face, gliding along a now raspy cheek till it arrived on his lips, barely touching them. Harm was not moving, his breathing was calm. Totally awake now, she finally had decided to look up his face. Hopefully, he was still asleep. In the dim light screening through the curtains, she had seen Harm's bright eyes, wide open, staring at her intensely. During long minutes, they watched each other, Mac's fingers still on his now half open mouth. She felt her blood beating harder and harder in her temples, her heart racing more and more. Her mouth was dry. But as if being mesmerized she could not get her eyes away from Harm's blue look.  
  
Still he did not move, as if letting her play the game the way she wanted.  
  
It still was not too late, she even did not need to make excuses, she just had to get back on her side of the bed, to close as tight as possible her eyes and her mouth and to wait , motionless, till it would be morning.  
  
It was the only possible choice.  
  
Listening to her mind's advices, she had moved up slightly to get away from Harm  
  
. and had put her lips on the warm mouth waiting for her.  
  
.  
  
Early the following morning, they woke up naked in each other's arms . Not telling a word, Harm quickly kissed Mac's lips , put on his boxers and disappeared in the bathroom.  
  
Never during the day did they speak about this night, but their eyes were constantly looking for the other one, and the shadow of a smile was wandering on their faces when they looked at each other.  
When Harm had learned the truth about the fate of Lieutenant Harm Rabb, once they were back in the only hotel around where they were supposed to spend the night before driving back to Moscow, Mac had planed to let Harm alone, let him cry over the death of this father he had spent his life to search for till now. But he had pulled her into his arms and had made love to her desperately, loosing himself in her as if he were trying to make sure he still was alive. As he reached orgasm, he had whispered :  
  
" I need you, Sarah, don't leave me. "  
  
This words were engraved in Mac's soul, they were the only intimate words they had spoken since the beginning of their affair.  
  
Once back in DC, without consulting each other, they spent each night together, keeping their relationship secret to everyone without it to be the smallest effort. Their behavior at JAG had not changed, they joked, fought, worked together, they even had lunch together sometimes. But never one of them had the slightest gesture, the slightest ambiguous word towards outside the privacy of their apartments.  
  
And every night when they were in Washington, Harm went to Mac, they had dinner together as so often before, they spoke about their cases, joked a little, cleaned the kitchen together, and suddenly the atmosphere filled with electricity and the long-time friends changed into passionate lovers.  
  
And each time, in the middle of the night, Harm would stand up, get dressed, and without a word, put a light kiss on Mac's lips and then disappear, leaving her alone.  
  
One night, she decided to change their routine and came to his apartment. The evening and the night followed the same ritual as every other night, but in the middle of the night, the feeling of being alone woke Mac up. She reached out, but the bed was empty, the sheet was cold. She put on a shirt and looked for her lover. Harm was sitting at his desk in the darkness, staring at a picture of his father. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and asked quietly :  
  
" Do you want me to leave? " " No, you can stay. "  
  
Then the silence again, this silence she did not know how to break, this silence she did not want to break.  
  
She never again went to his home at night. She arrived every Sunday morning. They went jogging together, and stayed then in the apartment, never really speaking unless they had to and making love till sunset.  
  
They both knew that their relationship could not, should not go on like this, but what they were experiencing together was so intense that they were not ready to give it up.  
  
And speaking would probably have appalling consequences. First of it all, it would be the end of this passion, from which they got this so fleeting feeling of being truly alive.  
  
But tonight, Mac felt ready to take the chance.  
  
" You can stay . I would love it . waking up near you tomorrow morning . "  
  
Harm's face stayed impassive, he stared at her and she could not read any emotion in his eyes, only the shadow of a question.  
  
He lifted himself on an elbow, dropped a light kiss on her nose and opened his mouth to speak with hesitation in his voice.  
  
" I would love it too . but . not yet . " " Why? "  
  
Without another word, he touched her face then stood up and picked up his clothes.  
  
He was not ready, this was just too fast for him. He knew if he stayed the night with her, now that they were back in Washington, he could not maintain this friendly and strong working relationship with her that he cared so much about.  
  
A question kept running through his mind as soon he was alone at night, back in his bachelor's world, in this refuge he had built. Why was he so afraid to stay all the night with this woman he could never get enough of ? He was confusedly feeling that once he would wake up near her in her familiar world, he would accept their relationship to change, he could not work longer the same serene way with Mac.  
  
He knew that what they were doing -- living this double life -- would not work forever but right now he did not want things to change. He wanted to spend the nights with his lover, Sarah, and then arrive in the morning at the office to meet his workpal, Mac. It was still difficult enough for him to know how to behave every evening in her house. Their dinner and chatting made him uncomfortable, but he had too much respect for her to just come and have sex with her.  
  
He was not sure he was ready for something else. Not yet.  
  
TBC 


	2. Breaking off 2

2/11 -  
  
YOKOHAMA October 9th, 1998  
  
" The moment two bubbles are united, they both vanish, a lotus blooms . "  
  
Harm looked at the Japanese lawyer, then at the girl coming out of the tribunal with her father, then finally at Ensign Guitry.  
  
" I'll take a stab at it, Sir . Love is eternal. "  
  
Mac looked at Harm in amazement. This was a part of his character she had never seen before. Harm often quoted John Paul Jones, but Jones was a sailor, not really a poet. Since when did Harm know anything about haiku poems ? Or romance ?  
  
Lost in her thoughts, she jumped when Harm's blue eyes met hers, as if trying to tell her .  
  
" Colonel, if it's not too much trouble, it's time to get back to DC, " stated Admiral Chegwidden a couple of feet away from her, his voice just a little too harsh. Harm's answer had brought a smile to his lips, but Mac's sudden faraway, dreamy look just made him uncomfortable.  
  
After they had been missing in Russia, when he left looking for them and finally saw them stepping out of that chopper, the relief he felt made him unaware of anything else. But after the debriefing Harm and Mac had to go through at the embassy -Webb questioning them with enough malice to make every one in the room feel uneasy - , AJ had begun to raise questions. Sure Harm and Mac had been close friends since their first meeting in the White House's gardens. This sense of closeness was not something new, but there was now something more, like . an intimacy that he never seen before. Then again, Mac in this gipsy outfit, this was a picture not many men could resist, and AJ wondered if Harm might have been carried away.  
  
After they were back at JAG, one week later, the admiral had carefully observed them without their notice, but he could not point out anything different in their professional relationship. He had then concluded that this supposed intimacy was born in the danger they had shared and escaped together, that it was just a new step in their friendship, and nothing more.  
  
But Harm speaking about love, and Mac staring at him with this dreamy look, unconscious of people around her, this was something he needed to think about.  
  
GEORGETOWN - RESIDENCE OF SARAH MACKENZIE October 10th, 1998 - 2030 local time  
  
Mac was pacing the living room, worrying more and more. Harm should have been there at least one hour ago. Being on time was not his strong point, but being an hour late was too much, even for him.  
  
She had tried to call him at home and on his cell phone, but only ever reached his answering machine. She told herself they had no real date tonight, just as they had no formal date since May and their return to JAG. And yet Mac was sure Harm wanted them to be just the two of them, alone, together, as much as she wanted it after this week in Japan, which had been one frustration after another.  
  
First of all the case had almost run out of their control, and they could not anticipate and avoid the admiral committing suicide. Their CO had come all the way from DC to Yokohama to give Harm an unforgettable ticking-off . and they did not have five minutes intimacy in the entire week.  
  
They had been out on an investigation more than once since their return from Russia and as Bud was not there no one was there to watch them. This time, it had been different. Bud and Harm were sharing the same room, and Mac knew Harm could never have explained why he was out every evening to come back in the middle of the night.  
  
But knowing it did not make it less irritating.  
  
Mac wondered what was frustrating her the most at the moment : this irresistible need for Harm's body, of his hands on her skin . or the impression she no longer had control over her own body . If just a week without getting to touch him was making her so nervous, it was perhaps time for her to take a step backwards and think about what was happening between them. At the same time, she really did not want to think about it at all. There was nothing to rationalize. She wanted this man, plain and simple. They were hurting no one and they were apparently doing nothing wrong, or against the Navy regulations. Well, she was, but Harm ignored it, and that was her real problem .  
  
And this little voice in her mind was warning here again and again just like it had once before, in Okinawa : 'Be careful, Sarah, don't get too involved, stay in control, be careful, Sarah'.  
  
Hell, where was he ? Let's hope nothing has happened. Maybe she should go to his house, he was perhaps in trouble . The phone ringing broke off her hesitations. She hurried to answer it and sighed in relief at the sound of Harm's voice.  
  
" Harm, but where are you, for God's sake, I've been worrying for one hour ." " Slow down, Mac, I never said I was coming. " " You don't want to come ? " " . " " Harm, is something wrong ? Where are you ? " " In my car, Mac, down at the curb. Come down. " " Harm? You are making me anxious . what is wrong ? Come up . " " No, Mac, come down to me, I need to speak to you. Please. " " Do you have a problem, Harm? " " Not me . We, Sarah . " " . " " Mac? " " I'll be right there . "  
  
Mac picked up her coat and her keys and got out of her flat as quietly as she could. She headed to the stairs and began slowly to go down, taking enough time to regain her self control. What did Harm mean when he spoke about a problem they were having? What sort of problem? Why was he suddenly so distant with her? It was clear he was having second thoughts about their relationship . If he wanted to challenge it now, she was not sure she would be ready to accept it so easily.  
  
Once she arrived on the first floor, she shrugged and ran downstairs. Wondering was useless.  
  
She did not immediately catch sight of Harm's Vette. She knew he hadn't parked just in front of her building, as she would have seen his car while waiting for him. But where was he exactly? She took some steps and noticed him as he walked towards her, dressed in the way she loved so much : jeans, blue gray sweater and a flight jacket. She smiled wide at him, ready to run into his arms, but her move was stopped when she noticed the serious look on his face.  
  
Harm stopped one step away from her and examined her in silence. Mac felt now totally lost, uncomfortable. She did not dare move and had no idea what to say. He was the one who wanted to talk, but he was the one behaving oddly. What was she supposed to do?  
  
After a couple of minutes, he bent and kissed her lightly on her cheek. Then he took her hand and pulled her towards the Vette, still silent.  
  
" Harm, where are we going ? " " I'm taking you out for dinner. " " I have food at home . what is the problem? Why are you so distant tonight ? Why don't you want to go upstairs ? "  
  
He sighed heavily, opened the door for Mac and remained silent again for some more minutes, his eyes looking distractedly at Mac's hand, which he still held in his own hand. And finally he answered.  
  
" Sarah, don't make this more difficult, please . You know that if I go upstairs, we are not going to discuss, and we can't go on like this . At least, I can't. Get in the car, please. "  
  
They drove in silence to a quiet restaurant where often went to when they were just friends and wanted to spend some time together without having to shout to be heard through the surrounding noise. They had never been back there since Russia : in fact, they had never been out on a date in Washington since they had become lovers. In civvies, they knew they could not act as just being friends and they did not want to take the risk of meeting someone they knew. But tonight, Harm was visibly tense, and Mac had the feeling whatever he wanted to tell her would not break the ice.  
  
After the waiter had taken their orders, she observed Harm, who was still looking at her with an inscrutable expression in his eyes. She was getting nervous. Why was he making things so complicated ? She had enough of this, so she decided to speak as he still remained silent.  
  
" So, Harm, here we are, at the restaurant, there is no one near us, I'm sure not going to jump your bones on this table, but I'm not going to spend the evening waiting for you to make a decision. Damn it, Harm, what game are you playing? It's great to be together, what do you want? " " Why do you think it's great to be together, Mac ? Because in a bed, you and me, it's perfect ? And for the rest, Mac? " " Which rest ? Harm, you are the one who from the beginning didn't want to discuss our relationship, you are the one who refuses to stay the night with me, the one who . " " No, Mac. That is the way you are interpreting the situation. In Russia, I let you decide what you wanted for us, I didn't want to force you in a relationship, and you didn't try to discuss it with me after our first night. And don't tell me we didn't get the chance, I was there, remember? " " What do you mean ? Now I'm the one who did not speak and you are the one who waited for me to do it? " " Yes . "  
  
Stunned, Mac was looking at him as if he had grown two heads. He could not be serious, she could not have misinterpreted his silences this badly. She shook her head as if to wake up, and resumed their so called discussion.  
  
" Okay, let's say I did not understand it was my responsibility to begin a discussion about us with you. Let's say I should have insisted . but maybe I forgot to read this page in the manual where it's written I'm the one being in charge. Sorry, forget it . But can you explain to me why you are running away in the middle of the night? Because I should tie you up? This is my fault, too? " " Mac ! " " Excuse me if I sound rude, but I was hoping to spend a marvelous night with a man I've been dreaming about every night for a week, and there I am . trying to justify why I did not get to push our relationship further out of my bed. And on top of that, except for accusing me, you never say a word. May I remind you that you were the one who suggested we should talk? Then talk, damn it . "  
  
The waiter bringing their orders stopped Mac's speech, and she used this break to take a long breath and try to calm herself. Her frustration and her questioning of Harm's behavior had gradually vanished to be replaced by anger. But even if she really wanted to leave him hanging about with his dinner and his silences and to just forget this situation, at the same time she wanted to know what he really meant. This was Harm, and their two years of friendship could not be washed away so easily. If their affair had to stop now, at least she did not want to take the risk of losing her best friend in this disaster. She owed it to him to listen to him . provided he now decided to speak up.  
  
Harm let out a bitter laugh. He had been hesitating for an hour in his car near Mac's building before making the decision to call her, and did not answer his cell phone in the meantime. He wanted to have a discussion with her, but had no idea how to do it. He was not even sure discussing things would be such a great idea. And now, in less than five minutes, he had managed to get her really mad, and did not know how to explain to her what still was so difficult for him to understand.  
  
" Mac, I don't know where and how to begin, actually I can't even really say what is wrong, but I want us to talk about 'us'. We ran into this relationship without saying a word, and I feel like . I don't know . like I'm not being fair with you, like I'm using you . " " 'Using me' ? " " Wait a minute, let me explain. Sarah, you are the one I trust the most, you are my friend and I care about you, and since Russia, you are also the woman I'm spending my nights with, and I can't manage to have these two women existing together in my mind. I feel like going each day from one to the other, as if there was a fence between these two parts of our relationship, and it's harder and harder to go on like that. Do you understand what I mean ? " " Not really . Wait, you mean you are uncomfortable because we were able to divide our relationship ? Because we were able to keep our affair away from our professional relationship? " " And you are not ? I mean, you don't want it to be different ? " " Not yet, Harm. The only thing I really want for now is for you to stay all night with me when we are not working the next day. I want to wake up near you like the first night in Moscow. But for the rest, I prefer we keep a slow pace. " " Sarah, we never were slow . we slept together without even dating, without having spoken at least once about it. "  
  
Mac put her hand on Harm's arm and smiled knowingly.  
  
" You sure know what I mean, Harm. Right now, I don't need anything more than you. What we share is enough for me if you agree to stay a little longer. And if this is heading somewhere else, . just give it time . we'll take care of it later. Don't make it more complicated. "  
  
Harm frowned slightly.  
  
" Sarah, make me a promise, tell me nothing is going to destroy our friendship . " " Why would something destroy it? " " Because if this affair we have now is not heading somewhere else - just quoting you - I'm afraid we could get to the point of hurting each other really badly, and then our friendship could not survive. You know, I would be almost ready to let the situation change right now . I think I want it . "  
  
Mac jumped slightly, she had thought this part of the discussion was over, and there was Harm again. She felt as if the ground was vanishing under her feet. She had thought it was safe to have an affair with Harm. She knew he was not one to be looking for commitment. She really did not need that, not yet. And now Harm was there, speaking of having their relationship heading further, faster . She would never have thought she could be in this situation again, it was almost funny . almost .  
  
" Sarah? " " Give me some more time, please . I need . to think about it . things to . Listen, Harm, as far as I'm concerned, what we are having together is not a problem, I'm feeling better in my life since Russia than ever, I need to get used to this feeling before trying to make more of this. Give me time, please. I only want to have you with me every night and I don't want to wonder about it. I know this will work out alone, believe me . please . " " Just make me the promise you'll think about it. I hate lying, Sarah, and I feel like I'm lying to every one around us at the moment. " " This is only an omission lie, Harm, just remember we are hurting no one there . " " Not even us ? " " Not me, at least, and if you were willing to accept life as simply as it happens, you would not be hurt either .. " " If you are sure . " " I'm sure. Drive me back home ? "  
  
Mac was looking at him with a bright smile and a seductive shadow in her eyes, and Harm thought she was probably right. He was making things too complicated. He wanted her, and their relationship was not an issue for their professional lives. So why was he not able to accept life just as it came, without always raising questions ? He was ready to learn how to live following Mac's rules, and everything would work out itself.  
  
He smiled back, this smile from which Mac always got the feeling nothing wrong could happen when she was with him. He stood and asked, his voice full of promises :  
  
" Do you offer me hospitality till Monday morning? " " Been too long at sea, sailor ? . As long as you want, Harm. "  
  
TBC 


	3. Breaking off 3

3/11 -  
  
GEORGETOWN - MAC'S RESIDENCE November 20th, 1998  
  
Before knocking on the door Harm checked once again if the little velvet box was still in the pocket of his flight jacket.  
  
He felt he was wrong doing that, he believed there was a risk Mac could feel trapped. But he was not ready any longer to go on like this, to pursue this relationship which he sometimes thought was only about sex and which was slowly degrading the way he thought about himself. And it was degrading the way he thought about Mac too, which was even worse for him.  
  
It was exactly six months today since they had made love for the first time in that almost shabby hotel in Moscow. Six months, it is long enough to know what you are expecting from a love affair. And now, Harm was sure about what he wanted.  
  
During the first months, his feelings had scared the hell out of him. He noticed as his fences were falling apart, one after the other, and he tried his best to hide from Mac how important their newborn relationship was becoming to him.  
  
But since six weeks ago she had begged him not to question so much, to just enjoy life and let things happen on their own, since he woke up every morning near her, he no longer had the same doubts any more. Of course, he still was as scared as before. But for the first time in his life, a woman had been sharing his life in secret for six months and he did not get bored with her, and she did not decide to leave him because their ways of life were too different. This was a new feeling, something terrifying and stirring at the same time, this knowledge that someone was waiting for you, that your day being bad or good would depend on the smile of the other one.  
  
Harm had never thought he would ever care so much for a woman, he believed himself to be stronger and more independent than this image of being in love he had forged in his mind . He had fought this awareness as he refused to stay the night with her, as he tried not to commit himself. But gradually he had discovered that Mac's presence in his life was giving him this feeling of fullness . an intensity which was actually pretty close to the one he felt while flying.  
  
He was not depending on her, she was the one who helped him to really feel himself.  
  
He had kept from talking again about this dizziness he felt about having their relationship still a secret, having it being only an affair, because he did not want to challenge Mac. She had asked for some time, he had given her plenty but today he had made a decision : their relationship would take a new step forward.  
  
He believed she was ready for that too.  
  
Like every day, he knocked on the door. The key of the apartment was in his pocket, just as Mac had the key of his loft. But entering her home if she was not the one to open the door would have meant for him that they had made a new step towards really living together, and Harm did not want to take this step unless having discussed it with Mac, unless she understood the true meaning of it all. He would have loved to be able to talk about these couple problems with more easiness, more spontaneity. But despite all his efforts, his mind was still in control. With Mac's help yet, he was sure he would one day succeed.  
  
She opened the door flashing this radiant smile he had never seen anywhere else than here, in her apartment when they were alone. As soon the door was closed, she coiled in his arms.  
  
" I missed you, sailor. " " We just parted two hours ago, Mac . " " You know what I mean. Four days together on that carrier and not being able to touch you, actually I think I prefer not to be assigned with you on a ship . too difficult .. "  
  
She put her arms around Harm's neck, her fingers playing with his dark hair, and dropped light kisses on his face. Harm held her tight, enjoying her perfume, he felt as his will was once again vanishing, exactly like every time he was in Mac's embrace.  
  
He tried to control the passion overwhelming them, he had to talk to her first.  
  
" Sarah, wait a minute, I have to tell you something .. " " Is it about life or death? asked Mac with an ardent voice, while her hands where gliding down Harm's chest and now fighting with his fly. " " Mac, it's important . "  
  
She looked up at him, her eyes clouded with longing, put her lips on Harm's ones and whispered :  
  
" It can wait . "  
  
Although he was split between the shame of being so weak and the joy of knowing someone wanted him so much, Harm let go, returning Sarah's kisses and ministrations.  
  
Later in the night, his mind dulled in passion, he touched her ear with his mouth and whispered :  
  
" I love you. You're mine, Sarah . Marry me . "  
  
Suddenly sobering up, Mac stiffened and opened her eyes. He was looking at her with a tenderness, a love she was not ready to accept . not yet . why was he acting this way again, why could he not be satisfied with what they still were sharing ?  
  
She pushed away from him. Her sudden move brought Harm back from the delightful fog where he had lost himself. He reached towards her, worrying.  
  
" Sarah, is something wrong ? "  
  
Mac pulled the sheet out, wrapped it around her and left without a word into the bathroom. Harm listened as the key turned in the lock, and then the silence filled the room, so harrowing. Quickly, he put his t-shirt and his jeans on and went near the door. For a long time he stayed there, listening to the silence, ignoring what to do or to say, wondering about what had happened. He had not been aware, at the moment he was pronouncing them, how strong were the words he was telling. But these exact words had been running again and again in his mind for several days. He would never have imagined Mac could have such a reaction, it had to be something else . this was not the result of what he had just said . What was he supposed to do, try to speak to her through this closed door or wait till she decided to get out ? Maybe she was sick ? Maybe she needed some help ? After a while, he decided to knock shyly on the door.  
  
" Mac . Sarah . are you ok ? Can I help you ? " " Yes . get off my back . "  
  
Stunned, Harm frowned. Apparently, she was not sick. She was mad at him. But he was not sure he understood the reason. He hesitated again, he was afraid of her reaction if he was pushing it too much. And yet, he had to know why Mac was acting this way. And just tonight .  
  
" Sarah ? Are you mad because of what I told you ? Come out and explain it to me, please. " " Damn it, Harm, I told you to get off my back. I'll come out in a moment, leave me alone. "  
  
Her voice was trembling, but Harm could not detect if it was anger or tears. He listened as water began to run, covering all other noises. It was better for him to go make some coffee, he imagined he would need it to have a clear mind and all his self control.  
  
Through the noise of the water filling the tub and hiding her tears, Mac heard as Harm was going away. She knew she eventually would have to get out of this refuge and face him, she owed him an explanation, but first of all she needed to admit why she had reacted with such a violence. She was caught in this trap.  
  
I belong to no one, I'm not an object, a little voice was screaming in her mind. Another, smoother one, was trying to be heard too. He did not want to hurt you. He told you he loved you. If you had explained to him, before . Give him a chance. I did not request from him to love me, I have not done the tiniest thing to push him to propose to me, retorted the strongest voice, killing the other one. Mac drifted in the hot water in an attempt to calm herself. She almost immediately got out, in fact she did not want to be calmer, she needed to clear the situation with Harm right now, and she knew she could use her anger to face him.  
  
She put on her robe and went in the bedroom, wishing he was not there waiting. She caught sight of Harm's reflection in the mirror of her dressing table. He was sitting on the couch, staring at his hands, looking so helpless, so lost that her anger almost vanished. No, she should not. She could not. She was nobody's trophy.  
  
She quickly put on a t-shirt and jogging pants, went in the living room and sat down on the armchair facing the couch.  
  
Harm closed his fist, hiding what he was staring at and looked up at Mac.  
  
" What did I do wrong, Sarah?" he asked , his voice almost a whisper. " Harm, I don't belong to you. I belong to no one, and I never asked for anything, first of all I never pushed you to tell me you love me or to propose to me. "  
  
Harm rubbed his eyes and focused, looking carefully for his next words. He wished to feel as confident as he was in the courtroom, he felt he was playing an important game without being really prepared.  
  
" You are angry because I told you I love you, or because in a passion fulfilled moment I let it unfortunately slip ? " " You did not mean it when you said you love me ? " " I do, Sarah, and I can say it again right now. I love you and that was the subject I wanted to discuss with you . Shhh, wait a minute, I need to finish this. Do you know what day is today ? "  
  
Mac looked at him, unbelieving, with a hint of hostility in her eyes. Of course she knew what day was today, of course she knew what had happened exactly six months ago. But she had thought Harm would forget it, she had wished this celebration would stay unnoticed.  
  
" You believed I was going to forget it, right? Sarah, I told you I want something more from our relationship, but you requested some more time. So tonight, I wanted to give you this, but I'm not sure now is the right moment. Never mind . " he added shrugging.  
  
He opened his hand and stretched his arm out to her, showing her an emerald set in a golden ring. He stayed there, his arm stretched out, while Mac stared at the ring with no expression at all.  
  
Silence was getting tenser in the room. Harm felt as frustration and disappointment were vanishing in him, while anger was rising more and more. He had been wrong in this situation. He had believed once he told her how he felt, once he asked her to marry him, she would finally accept to make their relationship official. And there she stayed with no reaction, looking at this ring he was giving her. Right, he knew this was not romantic at all, but his feelings and this ring as an evidence were true and genuine. And she had no reaction. He felt so stupid and humiliated.  
  
Finally, Mac looked up at him, her eyes still unreadable.  
  
" I don't want it, Harm. I did not ask for anything, I don't want things to change between us. Let's just get back, let's forget this and don't push for anything right now . " " Why ? " " Because this is the only thing I want from you, can't you get that ? " " Damn it, Mac, if all you want is someone to share your bed, I'm not . "  
  
She slapped him with more violence than she intended. Fuming, she watched him as a red spot appeared on his left cheek, she watched him as his eyes glanced with anger, amazement, questioning.  
  
" Leave now . " " Don't do that, Sarah, we need to talk. It did not sound right, that is not what I meant . Don't give up our relationship before we discuss it, please. " " When are you going to understand that I don't want the same thing than you seem to want. I requested some time, and you don't give me any . " " I gave you time, six months, how long do you need to accept the fact that our relationship means more than just a man and a woman sleeping together. Damn it, Mac, I don't get it, what are you afraid of ? " " I . I'm not afraid . I'm not ready for what you want, I don't belong to you, I don't belong to any one. You should better leave. "  
  
Livid, his fists clenched, Harm looked at Mac with anger.  
  
" If I leave with no explanation tonight, I'm not coming back. " " I know. " " Speak to me, Mac. " " I have nothing more to say. "  
  
He stood, took his flight jacket and went out , not saying a word, violently slamming the door on his future.  
  
Mac did not move, her eyes were dry, she stared at the emerald still laying on the coffee table as if to challenge her.  
  
She had behaved so wrong, she felt dirty, like this bitch picture her father was constantly conjuring when she was young. Her anger was still racing, anger against herself now, like an overwhelming need to destroy every thing around her, to be the one destroying what she cared most about rather than being left.  
  
Why had she not been able to open to him before ? She had hoped Harm would be satisfied with this affair till . till how long ? She had been running away from her past for too long now, she had purposely decided to forget Chris and their youth for such a long time. She had been lying to every one, even to her uncle Matt who would never have granted this desperate runaway.  
  
But as soon lies have made their nest in your life, how can you possibly tell the truth without losing every thing? Telling the truth meant ending her carreer, and losing Harm. Never mind, she had lost him the same now. And yet, if she still did not open to him, if she was ready to play the role of a woman who only cared about his body and refused any commitment, she could maybe save a part of their friendship. Or at least their working relationship could remain intact.  
  
So often before, her life had been away from love, maybe this time again she would manage it to live only for her job, she could forget these six months full of happiness, six months in an entire life, six months which would have to last her all life.  
  
Slowly, her anger vanished and tears began to glide on her cheeks. She took the ring in her hand and touched it with her thumb. How could she have told him, him more than any one else, that she still had been married, and never divorced ?  
  
She closed her eyes and imagined Harm's look of unbelief and disgust if she had told him about the former Sarah Mackenzie, wife Raggle. She had driven Harm into this adulterous relationship which would have destroy their careers , a relationship he would have never accepted, if he had known the truth. During these past six months, she had looked for a way to get out of this situation without losing Harm. She had tried to find Chris, but she was alone and could not make use of any official way, and she had failed. And yet, even if she would have found him, she was a Major in the Marines and could not file a divorce without the Corps getting to know about it . And her whole life would have been challenged, once again.  
  
She went back into her bedroom, tears streaming on her cheeks, slid in her bed, exactly where Harm had her wrapped in his arms, less than one hour before. She took the pillow in her arms, inhaling his scent, and her eyes wide open on the darkness of her life, she made up her mind to face this sad future she had built up. TBC 


	4. Breaking off 4

4/11-  
  
DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ARRIVAL GATE FOR QANTAS FLIGHT FROM SYDNEY November 24th, 1998  
  
How could she feel so tired after an entire week end in the depths of her own bed, this was what Mac was self mockingly wondering about. She had spent more time crying than sleeping, more time wondering what would have happened if instead of rejecting him, she had told him . No, she needed to stop thinking about this. Assuming she would have confessed every thing to Harm on Friday, she would have lost him just the same.  
  
But today she felt more alone than she had since her teenage years, since the day when Uncle Matt had collected her at the hospital to take care of her. When he had been sent over to Leavenworth Harm had so easily taken his role over, and she always could run to him when she was losing her balance. He was there when Dalton had been killed, he was there when Coster had stalked her. And now she just had lost this too.  
  
It was not easy, but a long hot shower helped Mac to achieve an appearance worthy of her uniform.  
  
She felt relieved that she would not have to meet Harm in the next few days.  
  
For the time of an investigation committee, he was working at Capitol Hill with his friend, congresswoman Bobbi Latham. Before he would be back to JAG, she would probably be able to rebuild her fences. He would never understand what she was going through. Never .  
  
The passengers were sparingly coming out. Mac had forgotten to look at the picture of this Lt Commander Michael Brumby she had to welcome and drive to Jag HQ, but she was in uniform, and he would be in uniform too, this would be a good way to find him.  
  
She had not been so happy when the admiral had decided she would be the one to welcome the Australian officer at the airport, but right now she found it good to have something to keep her mind busy. Her time schedule for this week was not so exciting, and she really needed to focus on something, anything. Why not this Australian sailor?  
  
Some young men dressed casually and laughing loudly passed near her, staring at her with no shame. She glared at them with contempt and turned towards the Australian commander who was finally coming out .  
  
" Commander Michael Brumby ? I'm Major Sarah Mackenzie, JAG HQ. Wel... " " Excuse me, Major! "  
  
Furious, she turned towards the intruder, one of the men who had just passed laughing near her. He was smiling at her, a warm and inviting smile, and before she had time to dress him down, he began :  
  
" Major, I'm Commander Brumby . "  
  
Mac felt as her cheeks turned red. She looked at the officer standing there, his eyes smiling.  
  
" I'm sorry, Sir. " " No, I'm sorry, Major, actually I was pretty much enjoying this . "  
  
He left and Mac tried to regain her self-control. She really did not need to feel ridiculous, especially today. She had really been no good at anything for a couple of days. Her father was right.  
  
No, stop it, now ! shouted the little voice in her mind. Stop now, everything is fine.  
  
She took a deep breath, looked at Commander Brumby and smiled.  
  
" Welcome to DC, Commander. I'm Major Mackenzie. You can call me Mac. " " Nice to meet you, Mac. Call me Mic, OK? " " Sure. So Mic, do you want us to go first to the hotel? " " Maybe we should wait until we know each other better," he retorted cheerfully, but stopped immediately when he noticed the ice-cold glare she was giving to him. "Mhh . maybe you could drive me to JAG HQ, I'd love to connect with everyone really soon. "  
  
NORTH OF UNION STATION - HARM'S APPARTEMENT November 27th, 1998 - 2030 local time  
  
He was home, his 'Vette was parked there and she could see light coming through the windows. And yet she could not make it and get out of her car. They had not seen each other, had not spoken to each other since last Friday, since he had slammed the door on her.  
  
What would he think if she was visiting him at home so late in the evening ? That she was running after him ? That she had changed her mind ? That she could not do without him ? This one was true, unfortunately, even if it was not the reason why she was there.  
  
Fate was making a fool of her. Her past had just got her at the exact time her future was destroyed because of this past.  
  
At the moment she had entered her office on Monday morning to find Chris waiting for her, still so handsome, so attractive, she had first thought the lack of sleep and the regrets had shadowed her mind. But she had to admit it, it was not an illusion. Chris Raggle, the man she had married twelve years ago and never divorced, the man she had failed to locate for the past months, was sitting there, charmingly smiling at her.  
  
" How are you, Sarah ? You don't want to kiss your husband ? "  
  
She was not sure she could understand why he was back, he probably intended to obtain money from her through blackmail. Mac's entire past was coming back to haunt her. Chris had told her he knew about the affair she had had with John Farrow in Okinawa, this affair she had put an end on when John had pushed for something more, too. Why should everything happen this time again ?  
  
She had felt since the first look that she had to stay away from Harm, she might not be more than a friend to him, and yet she was the one who slipped into his bed. And she felt absolutely no remorse about having spent six months in his arms. This was surely a mistake, but how could she feel remorse about a time where she had felt so happy ?  
  
Slowly, she stepped out of her car and went into the building. She climbed the stairs, to get some more time and make herself ready for the encounter, for Harm's look, for his disappointment when she would explain to him about Chris. But she needed his help to find a solution to this problem, and most important, she did not want Harm to find out about her husband from someone else. She had been stupid enough to marry Chris, she had been even more stupid to not divorce, she would have to face the consequences now.  
  
She knocked briefly and tensed, waiting for the shock she would feel of his blue eyes on her, these eyes she was not able to get over, and the door opened .  
  
. on Bobbi Latham, widely smiling at her.  
  
" Mac ! "  
  
She listened to the soft jazz music playing in the loft, she watched Harm cooking, jeans and black shirt, the Chianti bottle and the two glasses on the counter .  
  
Mac froze. What was she doing there ? She did not belong here . No longer . He did not want her any more, and he had not waited a long time to find some comfort. He was like the other men, just like all the other men.  
  
Harm turned towards the door and calmly told her :  
  
" Come in, Mac . " " Yes, come in, Mac," added Bobbi, " Harm has cooked enough for three people."  
  
Mac took a step backwards, she wanted to run away, but she knew it was important to keep her dignity. If Harm was able to forget her so easily and move on, she was not going to let him understand how much it was hurting her.  
  
" I'm not hungry. I wanted to speak to you, but it's not a good time. Maybe you can call me tomorrow. " " Sure. "  
  
She left, her pace steady, but her blood running ice cold through her body. She had made her decision, she would give Chris as much money as she could to get rid of him, but she would not do anything more. Harm was lost for her, she was not ready to lose her career and the respect of her CO while admitting this marriage she had always concealed.  
  
Bobbi closed the door, and came near Harm, a questioning look in her eyes.  
  
" You let her go? " " She just told me to call tomorrow. " " I don't understand why you two are not closer. " " Because we work together and it would not work out. We are too different. "  
  
He turned to the sink, apparently focused on the sauce he was cooking. He had to avoid more questions from Bobbi.  
  
He thought about the way Mac had rejected him last Friday. Because of her reaction, he would never have imagined she would come to him, she would want to speak. He still wanted to run after her, but Bobbi was there, and his damn ego was in the way.  
  
Maybe he would not call tomorrow, this was not something he could speak about on the phone.  
  
He was not even sure he wanted to discuss this again. He was trying with no success to forget his high and hopeless expectations. He still knew it : if Mac wanted him to come back, he would accept her conditions. He despised needing her so much, lusting for her so much, but he had to admit how weak he felt, even if it hurt. The memories of her body, her smell, her touches, had been haunting his mind since the moment he had slammed this damn door and every night he made the same dream : he went back to Sarah, he begged her to forgive him and made love to her. And the dream felt so real that he woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, and so ashamed to feel his body react the same way as the body of a teenager, so much out of control. And each time, he reached to the phone to call her.  
  
He knew one night, he would not be able to regain his self control and would call Sarah.  
  
No, this could not happen again. This relationship was putting him in such a dependency, his mind could not accept this situation any longer. He had to get free of it. And whatever way he would find would not matter. Not at all.  
NORTH OF UNION STATION - HARM'S APPARTEMENT November 28th, 1998 - 0030 local time  
  
Bobbi was getting dressed, almost as uncomfortable as Harm felt.  
  
It was a mistake, once again he had screwed up, and he had deeply hurt a woman he had respect for, and he cared for.  
  
And yet, when he had kissed her after their so-called working dinner, it had been so easy to let go, and touch her, to focus only on the pleasure they were sharing. This was exactly the sort of relationship he wanted to have now, this easy physical satisfaction, and no commitment, body and soul without connection, sharing only body heat without consequences.  
  
And one night, he would finally forget Mac.  
  
Everything was evidently so simple with Bobbi, she only wanted his body, she was attractive, and sweet, and warm, and skilful . Harm had done everything to forget Mac during this night, and he thought it was a success.  
  
Until the moment he had come, shouting out "Sarah".  
  
First, Bobbi had no reaction, she let him reach the end of his pleasure. Then, she smiled sadly, touched his cheek and whispered :  
  
" I'm sorry, Harm, I'm not a consolation prize. I'll leave, and we'll forget what happened. "  
  
He waited until she was ready, took her to her car, then got in his 'Vette. He remembered a bar near Dupont Circle . He would not stay alone, not tonight.  
QUANTICO MARINES CORPS BASE - VIRGINIA November 30th, 1998  
  
" We have different ways to seduce women, Chris and I, " he joked while touching her cheek.  
  
She put a light kiss on his palm and looked up at John.  
  
Mac had always felt great affection for him. And he never judged her.  
  
When she left him, it had been quiet, no fight, no scream, he had just told her he would always be there for her, and if eventually one day she changed her mind . He did not show any contempt when she told him about Chris, when she revealed to him the marriage she never ended. He was so different from Harm in the way he was loving her, he was never demanding.  
  
He did not need her to be perfect, he knew he was not.  
  
Harm had not called, sure he was too busy with Bobbi, too arrogant, too . Rabb.  
  
She had given as much money as she could to Chris, had driven him to Reagan National and had tried to forget .  
  
But Chris came back, he was in big trouble and was really ready to blackmail her. If he revealed her affair with John Farrow, their careers would be destroyed. She had to inform John, she needed to speak to someone. It was just too difficult to face this situation alone, not after the way she had lost Harm just the week before.  
  
She had spent the entire week end fighting the urgent need to run into the first bar around and forget her life out of a glass of gin. Wrapped in the Navy sweatshirt Harm had left in her room, her hand tightly closed around an emerald ring, she stared through the night at the way the flames were dancing in the fireplace, the phone just waiting for her. Too many times to be aware of, she had picked up the phone, and put it back before dialing Harm's number.  
  
He was probably not alone. Bobbi knew how to hold on something she wanted.  
  
By dawn, she knew her only solution was John Farrow. He would help her. And of course, she had to make sure the career of her ex mentor would not be destroyed, or at least what remained of his career.  
  
And there he was, strong, lulling her in his arms, telling her not to worry, telling her it was a great idea to come to him, he would take care of Chris. Why was not she in love with him ? With John, her heart would have been safe.  
  
WASHINGTON MONUMENT - WASHINGTON D.C. December 1st, 1998  
  
" I did not know how you wanted it, I bought a hotdog . " " I'm not hungry, thanks . Thanks again for getting me out of the brig. " " Apparently the Navy does not consider you as a risk. Mac, I have to question you, you know that . "  
  
They slowly made their way to the Lincoln Memorial. Some joggers were running past them, young and smart people working for the government across Constitution Avenue, using their lunch break to make some sport. The air was chilly, even if the real cold was still not there.  
  
Mac was looking without really noticing this scenery she was used to, and she was thinking about the events of this horrible night, Chris ' threats, the gun shot, the police department and Harm's voice, when she had called him for help in the middle of the night.  
  
" Harm, it's me. " " Who ? Bobbi ? " " No, Mac . Harm, I'm in jail. " " In jail ? Why ? " " For murdering my husband . "  
  
Then the silence, and finally Harm's controlled and professional voice.  
  
" Where are you ? " " Brookland police department. " " I'll be right there. "  
  
Harm arrived half an hour later , his eyes quickly noticed John Farrow in the room too, near another police officer. What was Farrow doing there ? Officer Willis was more than happy to explain the police interpretation of the events : with help of her lover, Sarah Mackenzie had gotten rid of her disturbing husband. Harm, impassive, had filled out some papers and taken over on behalf of the Navy a case the civilian justice was too busy to care for.  
  
Without a word, he had driven Mac and Farrow to JAG HQ. There he let them under surveillance of the marines and gave instructions that adequate uniforms should be brought back from their homes. Then, without even telling something to Mac, he had turned to Farrow :  
  
" I'll inform Admiral Chegwidden, we'll be back as soon as possible. Try to get some rest, you'll need it. "  
  
And now here he was, walking in silence near her, waiting for her to speak, too confused to know what to say.  
  
She stopped and turned towards Harm.  
  
" Who do you want to question ? Your client, your friend or . your lover ? " " . Mac . Why did you never tell me you were married ? "  
  
He was fighting to keep his voice as calm as it could be, but his eyes were shouting all questions burning in his mind since he had received her phone call : why had she not told him before ? Did she believe he would turn her down ? Was that why she had come to him this evening when Bobbi . He had not dared to listen to her then, it was his fault if she had gone to Farrow to find some help. He had let her down when she needed him. But Farrow . and Sarah .  
  
He shook his head to get rid of these ideas, he had to keep his mind as controlled as possible to protect Mac. For the time being it was the only important thing. He would think about the rest . later .  
  
Mac was scrutinizing him. She had expected from him to judge her, to accuse her of having taken him, Harm Rabb jr, this irreproachable officer, in a relationship which could have ruined his future. But this was not what she was reading from his eyes .  
  
" I could not . I was scared . " " You know everything about me, Mac. I never hid anything important from you. " " But your life is simple and clear, Harm. You are not hosting ghosts in your past. Well, at least not ghosts such as mine, yours are decent, you can be proud of them. Mine . How would you have reacted if I had told you, the day we were looking for my uncle, that I was an alcoholic married to a shabby swindler from whom I forgot to divorce . Even Uncle Matt does not know about Chris. I was too ashamed . and now everyone knows every thing. " " Why did you never divorce ? " " It was easier to act as if he did not exist. Don't look at me this way, Harm, please, I don't want to cry and feel stupid just here. I think I've done enough for a while. " " Why did you ask Farrow to help you ? " " Because I trust him . and you were not there for me any more . "  
  
He cringed and took a deep breath. He had to focus only on his client, if he let his feelings overwhelm his mind, they would be both in danger. But he wanted to comfort his friend too, he wanted to tell her he was still with her.  
  
" Sarah, right now I have to focus only on my client, you know that ? I'm going to get you out of this, Sarah, I promise you. But when all this mess is cleaned up, we will have to speak, just the two of us, really speak. Do you understand ? " " Harm, when all this is over, you will have to go away from me as far as possible, for your safety and mine. We are not going to speak about what happened, Harm, forget me, it's better for us, believe me. " " Sarah .. " " No, Harm. I bring bad luck, every man who comes near me dies or feels like he is dead. Stay away from me, Harm. "  
  
Harm watched her carefully, trying to understand what these eyes, full of tears, were still hiding from him. Then he smiled sadly and replied.  
  
" We'll see, Mac. "  
  
TBC 


	5. Breaking off 5

5/11  
  
KANDAHAR DESERT - IRAN December 7th, 1998  
  
" Too bad you don't smoke any more, I would have enjoyed a good cigar right now . Hey, you could look at me when I'm speaking to you, Rabb, even if I have to admit she looks cuter than I do . "  
  
Harm turned to Keeter, half smiling.  
  
" Let's work, okay ? I don't have much time to take over all your knowledge, Keeter, so can we focus on the plane ? " " I was under the impression you were the one thinking about something else than this damned plane. " " I was not thinking about something else, I was just staring in the night and trying to get all this in. " " Sure, staring in the night .Just say one particular point in the night, buddy, and not the worst one .. Hey, easy, we still have the whole night and I already explained to you every detail three times. How about you tell me about you and this beautiful partner of yours now ? How did you manage to hide her away from me so long ? You could have explained to me before how gorgeous this major Mackenzie looked when you were speaking about her "qualities". " " Shut up .. " " Why ? Am I touching a sensitive spot ? Harm, how long has it been since you broke off with Annie? " " I did not break off with Annie, she dumped me. " " Yeah, sure, just because you did all your best to have Josh obsessing about following his father's steps in the Navy, she told me . " " She told you ? "  
  
Harm looked incredulously at his friend. He had never really spoken with him before about his relationship with Annie, he just told him once on the phone they could not work it out.  
  
" Rabb, how can you be so dense ? You were not Luke's only friend, remember, and I'm Josh' godfather, I do in fact meet him more often than you ever did, and I totally respect what Annie asks me to do. " " Is the lecture over ? " " No, just beginning .. Shut up, please . Every thing I knew really accurately until this week about Mac was what Annie had told me. She explained to me how much Mac looks like Diane, she told me about the way you were looking at her without even knowing it. And you, you never told me about anything other than her competences . Do you really think I'm going to believe you did not notice ? Or maybe you preferred not to tell me, because you were scared about remembering your dead girlfriend ? " " Diane was not my girlfriend. " " Because you are so damned stupid .. Luke and I, we had made this bet against Sturgis that you would get married right after graduation at Annapolis, and I'm still mad at you because I lost. "  
  
Harm frowned and interrupted Keeter.  
  
" Now, that's enough. I have no intent to comment on my love life with you, be it the actual, future or past one. I never made it and today is not the day I'm going to begin this crap. So you get off my ass now, and we get back to speaking about the plane. " " Slow down, Rabb . I don't want to upset you, I just have this feeling you are hiding something really important from me, for a pretty long time, and I wonder if you don't need a friend to talk about it. You got me out of a lot of problems, today being just one of them, and if I can help you . " " There is nothing to help with, I have no problem . " " Not even with your partner ? "  
  
Harm's dark look, his clenched jaws, were enough of a proof for Keeter, he had really found where it hurt, but he was not one to give up when facing Rabb. He knew him too well, he knew how fast Harm was running away from situations when he did not feel emotionally in control. Hell, this guy was probably one of the Navy's best pilots, after himself of course, Harm's fame as lawyer and investigator were known on every Navy base or carrier he had been on. But as soon he had to face his feelings, he was as helpless and shy as the stupidest teenager.  
  
And Keeter was not afraid of a good fight with Rabb. During their four years together at Annapolis, they had argued more than once, and these fights helped their friendship get stronger.  
  
" Annie is convinced you are in love with Mac. Actually, that is one of the reasons she dumped you. That, and Josh, and Luke . " " Luke ? " " She felt as if she had replaced the man she loved with his double, you were not the one she was being with, she still was with Luke's double, and as soon she understood Josh was using you the same way, as if his dad never died, she knew she was wrong about every thing . And from what I understand, you did not really try to get her back, right ? " " She told me to never call her back ! " " And it stopped you !!! . You are without hesitation the most stupid man I know when it's about women, Rabb. What was the risk ? Maybe she would have hung up, a little bruise for your ego, not much. Damn it, if you had truly loved her, you would not have given up so easily, you would have fought to have her back, you would have accepted all her conditions, whatever they were. " " I cared for her, Keeter, really I cared. " " Were you in love ? " " . "  
  
Keeter watched as his friend's gaze instinctively searched for the petite figure sitting near the campfire. Slowly, he was understanding that the situation was more complicated than he had first imagined.  
  
When Annie had explained to him about Major Mackenzie, Keeter had thought her comments were the consequences of her disappointment. Harm was often partnered with women in his job, and never with ugly ones, one lucky guy ! Keeter remembered Lieutenant Austin, he had wanted to meet her again after Cuba, but she had sent him packing . He thought first that Mac was one of these gifted partners, always so attractive, Harm was used to, and that Annie was imagining things, once again.  
  
But while he observed Harm tonight, he felt there was something more between these two people than just what the eye could see. And his friend was hurt.  
Mac was making herself comfortable near the humvee, or trying to do so, while the men were around the campfire. She wanted to have her space.  
  
She felt someone near her and looked up.  
  
" May I sit down with you ? " " Of course Harm," she answered with a warm smile, but immediately controlled herself and looked away from him. " Did Keeter explain everything to you ? Are you sure you'll be able to do that? " " No worries, Mac, you know me, I'm born to fly planes . "  
  
His voice was warm, he was making fun of himself and she could not help but smile and turn to him.  
  
" You should not spend so much time with Keeter, I don't know which one is the cockiest, Harm . Is it a game between the two of you? " " An old way of life with an old friend, Mac. It's just a joke, nothing more, it helps us forget about the stress. You should hear how pilots speak when they come back from a mission . " " I know, Harm, I was around once . "  
  
She smiled more warmly at him.  
  
" Harm, I could tell you before, but . Thanks again for helping me, thanks for believing in me . "  
  
He did not answer, his eyes were touching her face, her mouth, and finally went back to Mac's eyes.  
  
Keeter was right, he had to fight for the woman he was in love with, he had to fight to get her back.  
  
They had not found time to have a discussion after the trial, this spyplane case had crashed on them just at the same time they got out of court. Sure he could wait to be back in Washington, but so many things could happen before then. He was not even sure how this mission was going to end. He was not ready to lose Mac this way. If he was not able to make it back to the Seahawk, he wanted to make sure she knew he was not scared of her past. She had to get over Chris, to go on with her life, she had to get past this guilt she felt, this impression she was worthy of nothing. If fate was playing them down, if she had to fly back alone to DC, he wanted to make sure she knew he loved her and would always love her, whatever her past had been, whatever lies she had told him. He wanted her to build her life back, even he was not around anymore. He wanted her to be happy.  
  
" Sarah, I could never let you down, I will always believe in you . " " No, Harm, please .. " " Sarah, I said I wanted us to discuss once you were out of this mess and I think right now is exactly the right moment to do it . " " Harm, listen . " " No, you listen to me. Sarah, your past has made you the one you are now, this wonderful woman I'm in love with. I admire you because you were able to face it alone and then be the one you are. I'm not sure I would have been able to do the same, you are strong, Sarah, and I need your strength. If you had told me about your husband, I would just have changed the order of my acts : I would have helped you find Chris, helped you solve this chapter of your life , and then I would have proposed to you. And yes, I would have proposed to you whatever your past was. I don't want to consider my future without you in my life from now on. During these last three weeks away from you, I almost went crazy, Sarah, I tried to forget you with other women to get out of these feelings. I'm so ashamed of myself, you have no idea. Don't punish yourself by turning me away. I'm ready to grant you all the time you'll need, but I don't want to lose you, never. "  
  
Mac remained silent, she was studying him with no expression.  
  
He could not read anything on her face, anything in her eyes. He looked at the fire.  
  
Keeter and the Iranian were getting ready to sleep and did not pay attention to them. They were half hidden behind the car, and yet Harm knew Keeter would never say anything about tonight. And the Iranian . never mind . even if Webb was going to hear about this, the risk was not that big in comparison of what he could be losing if he did not try again.  
  
Hesitantly he reached towards Mac and touched her cheek slowly.  
  
" Sarah ? " " . " " Sarah, I'm not going to give up, I just want you to trust me and come back to me whenever you'll be ready. I'll wait for you, as long as it takes. " " Harm ? " " Yes . " " What makes you think I could come back to you ? Did you ever think I could not feel this way ? " " Sarah, don't say anything now, please . We'll speak about it again when we'll get back home, don't say anything permanent now, think about all this first . "  
  
He was about to leave and go back to the fire but hesitated. He leaned towards Mac, and added :  
  
" It's going to be cold tonight, you should not sleep here alone. "  
  
She looked up at him, waiting for him to go on, always totally impassible.  
  
" Mac, may I sleep near you, you know, share body heat, as in the Appalachians ? "  
  
She had a shy smile.  
  
" Share body heat, Harm ?Why not ? "  
  
He laid down near her and tried to make himself comfortable on the ground, then took her in his arms, in his heat, and wrapped her tight in a protective gesture. Mac had her head on his chest, she could listen to his heart beating so peacefully, she could breathe in his scent and slowly silent tears began to run on her cheeks. They told stories of lost days, of this lost future she would never enjoy.  
  
She knew she had to forget what he just told her, she should not come back to him, they would just hurt each other if she did. Love could not be everything's solution in this case, they had still hurt the other too many times until now. They had no option anymore, if they failed again, it would be the end of their friendship too. She was wrong to let go in Moscow, even if she had not been still married back then, it would have been a mistake. She had to find a way to convince Harm to forget her. He would not give up easily, she knew him, he was able to be stubborn until it turned into obsession.  
  
She would not be his obsession, he deserved better than her.  
  
MILITARY PLANE TO ANDREWS AFB SOMEWHERE ABOVE THE ATLANTIC December, 10th 1998  
  
Mac was sitting near Mic and laughing at each of his jokes. Her eyes sparkled, sometimes she nibbled at her bottom lip, making this so private gesture Harm knew and could even summon, when his hands .  
  
No, it was a bad idea to think about their nights together, to watch her, it was only making him feel anxious. Keeter near him was slowly snoring, unaware of his friend's tension. Harm felt totally helpless.  
  
And yet, she was the one who had hugged him just before he let her run away through the Iran desert to the Turkey coast. And he remembered how this hug had felt so desperate.  
  
After he had successfully landed on the Seahawk, he waited for two days with Bud and Mic for Mac and Keeter to be back. He had spent these two days trying to forget his fears through hours long debriefing with Webb, or testing the plane. He had to listen to Mic's bragging about his past as a boxer, his double citizenship and the sunny beaches of this homeland. Harm's patience had greatly suffered when Mic began to explain to Bud how he had invited Mac to go skiing with him for New Year's holidays. He had no shame, after the way he had tried to give her total responsibility about Raggle's death, he had taken her out for dinner, and now he was just bragging around, telling everyone how lucky he should be pretty soon.  
  
" This is totally inappropriate, Commander, may I remind you that you are talking about another officer, moderate your language now. " " Slow down, buddy, don't get upset, I thought you were not involved with her. Are you jealous ? " " No, it's not about jealousy, just the rules we are taught to respect being officers in the Navy. If you go on talking this way about a fellow officer, I promise you the Admiral himself will take you to Dulles and make sure you are on the next plane to Sydney with an appropriate report on your unbecoming conduct. " " Okay, Rabb, I get it, but it does not really change anything about the facts. But okay, I'm going to be discreet. "  
  
Harm's look almost killed Mic, and he promised himself to do whatever he could to keep him away from Sarah. Sure, he was jealous, but he knew also that Major Mackenzie's reputation was nothing but steady, and Mac did not need this sort of advertising at the moment.  
  
And finally she was there, coming directly into the simulation room, Keeter following her, and she went immediately to Harm. He opened his arms for her, feeling so relieved, and hugged her warmly, trying to make sure in this friendly embrace that she understand all the love he felt for her. She smelled of wind, sun, desert, he wanted to be alone with her, put his lips on her hair and whisper in her ear these words of fear and happiness to finally have her back.  
  
But they were not alone, Bud, Keeter and Mic were there, Mic especially who was scrutinizing them just a little too much.  
  
So he let her go off his embrace and watched as she went to Mic, smiled wide at him and let him hug her too. How could she ? . She had known him for not even two weeks .  
  
He closed his eyes to stop watching Sarah with another man and waited for the plane to land.  
  
RESIDENCE OF SARAH MACKENZIE - GEORGETOWN December 10th, 1998 - 2030 local time.  
  
Harm listened to the music playing in the apartment, behind the closed door, this music Sarah loved to play when they were together, before, such a long time away . At the same moment he knocked on the door, he heard a man laughing, and he immediately knew whose voice it was. He froze.  
  
Why was Mic in her apartment tonight ?  
  
He almost turned on his heels to run away, but before he could, Mic opened the door, beaming, an apron around the waist and a spoon in the hand.  
  
" Rabb ! What a surprise ! . Sarah, you did not tell me you were waiting for a guest . except for me .. "  
  
And he called her Sarah !!!  
  
Mac went out of the kitchen and came to the door, smiling. She stopped near Harm and frowned.  
  
" Harm, don't tell me we were supposed to work tonight and I forgot ? Which case is it about ? I'm really sorry . " " I did not . No .. That is . I just wanted to know if everything was ok, Mac, and take you out for dinner, but I believe you are not . " " . available ? Right, Harm, I'm not available, you should have called, you would have not driven through DC for nothing. And I can't even tell you to share our dinner, we have nothing vegetarian for you. But if you don't care, maybe a good rare steak . " " Sarah, I thought we would spend the evening just the two of us," interrupted Mic.  
  
Harm tensed, his fists in balls, trying to keep his self-control.  
  
" Don't worry, Brumby, I'm leaving . I know when I'm not welcome," he added looking at Mac, his eyes speaking volumes.  
  
How could she act this way with him ? He had told her he wanted to have a discussion as soon they would be back in DC, they just landed today, she had to know he would be there tonight. What game was she playing ?  
  
" As you wish, Harm," answered Mac lightly,"we'll see you tomorrow at Jag HQ. Good night ."  
  
Harm had no time to turn before Mac closed the door on him and went to Mic, speaking to him loud enough  
  
" So, Mic, about this steak ? I'm really anxious to learn what you are up to . "  
  
RESIDENCE OF SARAH MACKENZIE - GEORGETOWN December 10th, 1998 - 2230 local time.  
  
" You are sure I can't stay a little longer, Sarah? " asked Mic again. " Listen, Mic, I'm tired and we have to be early in the office tomorrow. The admiral is not one to accept people to be late because of jetlag, you better get some sleep too. " " Do I see you tomorrow again, then? " " Sure, at the office. " " No, I meant, can I take you out for dinner ? " " Not tomorrow, Mic, we'll see, later . next week, okay ? Now, you should leave, please, I'm ready to drop . "  
  
Mic leaned to kiss her, and she turned her face just in time for his lips to find her cheek. She pushed him slowly towards the door.  
  
" Good night, Mic. "  
  
Mac closed the door and went into her bedroom, feeling terribly tired and depressed. She was not even able to cry, she knew she had to do all this, and she had to do this long enough for Harm to decide to give up. She knew it would need a lot of time.  
  
A lot of time, and even more will power.  
  
TBC 


	6. Breaking off 6

6/11  
JAG HQ - FALLS CHURCH December 23rd , 1998  
  
The Jag Christmas party was running one day earlier because Admiral Chegwidden was leaving to spend the holidays with his daughter Francesca in Milan.  
  
A light hearted AJ watched as his team joked and had fun in the bullpen Harriet had decorated with colorful ornaments. The mood was pleasant, even if military protocol was not totally forgotten, but every one seemed to have a good time.  
  
Bud smiled in his almost childish way and was telling again and again to every one around how much Jag had raised to buy toys for the kids in Bethesda. Each time his wife was near him, he took her hand and kissed it, trying nevertheless to be discreet, as only Bud could be.  
  
AJ repressed an amused smile. He never had to regret his use of his admiral's privilege to keep Harriet working at Jag HG. This young couple was competent and gave the entire team the warmth of a family that some missed at home.  
  
His eyes moved around the room and found Major Mackenzie, talking with Commander Brumby.  
  
In barely one month, Mic had managed to find his footing at Jag HQ, although the first weeks had been a little rocky. And much more, it looked like he had found his place in the major's life.  
  
AJ carefully observed Mac's face, remembering the disastrous year she had gone through : she had almost left Jag to follow this wealthy and annoying lawyer, who was then killed just some feet away from her, her forgotten husband had returned and died, and finally she had to go through this article 32 hearing. And even if it had not destroyed her career, its consequences were pretty bad for her reputation. And yet, all summer through, and until her husband suddenly appeared, Mac seemed serene, even happy.  
  
While AJ watched her joking with the Australian, he remembered the Christmas parties of the past years : usually, Rabb was the one standing near her.  
  
Puzzled, he looked around the bullpen and finally caught sight of the commander's tall figure in the furthest doorway. The commander acted as if he did not want to share the holiday mood around, his look was dark, the sign of his bad mood.  
  
AJ frowned and crossed his arms on his chest. He studied his officer : no drink, no smile, the commander was staring at Mac and Brumby, and he looked as if he was hurt. This was only a vague feeling, AJ had no proof he was right or wrong about it, but he felt as something had happened during the past year between his two senior officers. Whatever it was, it had soothed them for months, and now it was weighing heavily on Rabb's mood.  
  
AJ went nonchalantly to Harm, who jumped when he noticed his CO standing near him.  
  
" So, Commander, you are not sharing the common euphoria tonight ? " " You know, Sir, Christmas does not really mean joy for me. My father . "  
  
AJ gazed at him a little more, and decided not to let the discussion lead this way.  
  
" I wanted to thank you for acting as JAG while I'll be off, Harm. I haven't spent Christmas holidays with my daughter since she was two, I missed so many things I will never have back . You should make something with your life now that you know what happened to your father . " " Sir ? . I . What do you mean ? " " Nothing specific, Harm, it's just a feeling . You stay here, alone, when you should be with your colleagues . And then, even though I don't want to intrude in what is not my business, I believe it's about time you have a private life . Look at the major, she spent a particularly difficult year, but she went on, she does not let things get her down . why don't you try to do as she does ? "  
  
AJ noticed Harm's hurt look and his clenched jaws. Sure something had happened, something the Major might have ended. But there was nothing he could do for his officer, and he had to keep Harm from understanding that he felt sorry for him. It was time to change the subject of the discussion.  
  
" Are you going to the Wall tonight ? " " No Sir, tomorrow morning if you don't mind. I'll be there around 0700 and will not be late to JAG, don't worry. " " I don't worry, Commander. Take all the time you need, I believe this year must be special for you, now that you know what happened to your father. " " Yes, Sir, this year has been really special for me. Excuse me for leaving, but I have to ask the major to go to the Wall with me tomorrow, you know, she was there . and . " " I understand, Rabb . "  
  
Harm was going away when AJ called him back.  
  
" Harm . " " Yes, Sir ? " " You should really try to have some fun during these holidays, Harm, you should try . " " Yes Sir. "  
  
Smiling sadly, Harm turned away and went to the couple chatting across the room.  
" Sarah, just tell me it's ok, I'm sure you have plenty of leave on the books and we will only be gone for three days . "  
  
Mac, smiling, was looking at Mic, he never gave up. Since last week he was charming her because he wanted to take her to ski holidays in Snowshoe Mountain during New Year holidays. It was so easy to let him court her, he knew now it was safer not to insist when she stopped smiling, but slowly he was making his way through her armour. And when she spent time with Mic, Harm did his best to stay away from them. She often felt his eyes on her, and it hurt her more than she was willing to admit , she was mad at herself for hurting him more and more, but it was the best for him.  
  
God, she was pathetic each time she thought about Harm, and she was stupid too. She was hurting a man she cared about more than anyone or anything in the world and it was supposed to be the best for him ? Then, why was all this so difficult, why did she hate herself for her behavior ? And how could she go on smiling at Mic, spending so much time with him, while her body and her soul only longed for Harm ?  
  
She did not hear him as he arrived from behind and she blushed slightly when he interrupted :  
  
" So . where are you heading exactly ? " " Harm ! You scared me ! "  
  
He smiled softly at her. Her cheeks were blushed, her eyes glanced and he had to remember she was not this way because of him, but because of Mic . He turned towards Mic.  
  
" I'm taking her to Snowshoe Mountain, she agreed, but now she is saying that she can't leave, because with the admiral away, you will not make it without her during these three days. Come on, Rabb, she needs to get out of here and change her mind, and you are a big guy, you'll be able to face the situation without her, right ? "  
  
Harm would have loved to wipe this satisfied and smug smile off Mic's face. He had the sudden impression he was back in his past, during his last high school semester, on this day when just before prom the captain of the football team had told everyone around that he would be Joann's date for the evening. The jealousy and wounded pride Harm had felt on this occasion was nothing compared to the cold rage he felt right now. But since he had grown up, he had learnt to keep his self control. The admiral, unlike the coach, would not have to break apart two alpha males fighting in the middle of the bullpen during the Christmas party .  
  
" Sure Mic, if this is what Mac wants, I'm not going to counter it . "  
  
Harm turned to her and could read from her eyes she understood what he really meant. Whatever her decision would be, even if he could not approve it, he would accept it.  
  
" Mac, I'm going to the Wall tomorrow morning, I want you to go with me this time, please . " " You are sure you don't prefer to be alone, Harm ? As usual ? " " This year has not felt usual for me, Mac. Without you, I would never have found him . I really wish you'd come with me, this will be the best way to close this period of my life . if I don't have other options . please . "  
  
They stared at each other, not saying a word, still observed by a questioning Mic. Finally, Mac smiled almost shyly to Harm.  
  
" If I can help you close this page of your life, Harm, I'll be there. At what time will you pick me up? "  
  
VIETNAM MEMORIAL - "THE WALL" December 24th 1998 - 0700  
  
The snow had begun to fall during the night and was now all over the fields. The flakes were falling pretty strongly in the dim light of the street lamps. The silence was surreal near the Wall, the traffic noise from Constitution Avenue almost vanished, just like all the monuments around them. So early in the morning, in this holiday, they were alone standing in front of the Wall, two silent and still silhouettes strapped up in their uniforms.  
  
A lump in her throat, Mac almost did not dare to watch Harm, who was lost in his memories. She often came there to meditate near this black marble stone, contemplating the engraved name of Lieutenant Harmon Rabb, one name in the middle of thousand others, but she never came there with Harm. This visit, especially on this day where Harm senior had been missing in action years before, only belonged to her friend. She knew it was the most intimate part of Harm, the only moment where he dropped every fence he had built around himself and agreed to face the grief of a young boy. She still could see in her heart the tears on Harm's cheeks at the moment he had contemplated the taiga, this ocean of trees where he finally knew his father was resting.  
  
She wanted to take him in her arms and lull him to soothe his pain. But she stood there, motionless, knowing her behavior during the past months and the one she chose to have now would only increase this loneliness Harm was feeling.  
  
Mac hated herself because of all she was doing, but she told herself again and again she had to do it this way for him. If she let go and followed her feelings, she would lead them both to failure. She was not the woman Harm needed. Only in fairy tales and romance novels was love stronger than everything. She had to let him have the life he wanted, but with another woman.  
  
She jumped as Harm's low voice, full of held back tears, began to speak just near her, and a chill of emotion ran through her body.  
  
" Merry Christmas, Dad . I am not alone this year, because I wanted you to meet someone . really special to me . much more special than I knew last year. If she had not been there, I would never have found out what happened to you, and I would have died searching for the truth . She is the most important person in my life, dad, and today, I needed her to be with me and meet you. "  
  
And then again, the silence.  
  
Mac was struggling to keep the emotion away. She had to stay strong, she had no right to cry, no right to show any feeling. She kept her eyes on these many names engraved in the cold stone, her arms along her body, as if at attention, as if behaving exactly as military protocol required would protect her from these feelings she had no longer control over.  
  
A few minutes went away, she felt as if Harm's eyes were touching her, her will was focused on just one thought : showing nothing, nothing at all . Suddenly, Harm's right hand took hers and his whispered voice continued to give out his feelings.  
  
" Barely one month ago, I still believed I would be here today to have you meet the woman I was about to marry. But I should have known better, I should have remembered that life seldom allows you the gifts you are expecting . I hesitated a lot before asking her to come here with me today. But in spite of every thing that could part us, she still stays and will always stay my best friend, the only person in the world to know so much about me. So I imagined that taking her here today to meet you was the best way to tell her I'm accepting her choices and her decisions, I'm accepting everything provided I never lose her. "  
  
He lifted Mac's hand, closed it into his both hands and faced her.  
  
" Ma . Sarah . I don't understand what happened to us, but I know one thing for sure : I don't ever want to lose you. If you don't want me any longer the way I wish, just let me still stay your friend . Our friendship is what I care the most about in my life. I will not try to pressure you, but don't turn away my friendship, please. "  
  
The snow still danced around them, the air was ice cold, but Mac could only feel this inner cold spreading through her body. Harm was about to give up, he was about to surrender, she had won, but this was so terribly painful. She had to immediately break the spell, she had to get away from this mood, or she would fall in his arms and tell him she was wrong.  
  
She had to. Now.  
  
She quickly pulled her hand away, gave a forced smile towards Harm and spoke, hoping her voice would sound really steady :  
  
" I'll wait for you in the car, Harm, it's too cold . We'll be better there to finish this discussion. " " I'll come with you, Mac, I was done here. "  
  
As soon she was safe in her old car, she switched on the motor, but Harm stopped her before she could drive away.  
  
" No, Mac, we have to finish this discussion. Please . Tell me why ? I believed you loved me . " " You're my best friend, Harm, I'm feeling safe with you, more than I ever felt before. And you know you look really good, this is not a surprise for you. So, maybe I loved this idea of having an affair with you. And . the two of us together, it was . well, you know . but I know I'm not the one you need, Harm, we would end up destroying each other, I know that. " " And what about you let me decide what is good for me, who is the one I need and who is not ?Mac, what are you afraid of ? " " I don't know . honestly, I don't know . but I know one thing for sure. If we want to protect our friendship from falling apart, we can't be more than friends. I'm serious, Harm, this is the only reasonable decision we have to make. Every thing else would be foolish. We don't want the same things in life, you and me, and a couple, this is not only what happens in a bed. I want you to be happy, Harm, really and totally happy, and I want to be happy too. But we will not be happy together. " " And you could be happy with Brumby ? " " Maybe, I don't know . Please, Harm, let's stay friends and take a look around you. So many women out there have no higher hope than waiting patiently for you, and just the fact of being your wife would made their life happy and beautiful. Many of them, but not me, Harm . It would only be a fleeting moment, and soon we would hurt each other. I know it . " " So . it's over ? " " If you mean the affair we had together, yes, Harm, it's over. But our friendship will never stop if I can avoid it, I promise you. " " I'll learn to be satisfied with just this friendship, if this is the way you want it. "  
  
They stayed there for some more minutes, staring at the other. There was nothing to add.  
  
TBC 


	7. Breaking off 7

7/11  
  
HARM'S APPARTMENT- NORTH OF UNION STATION - WASHINGTON DC February 10th, 1999 - 2100  
  
" The way Webb was killed is too sloppy for Palmer, I know the way he thinks."  
  
While speaking, Harm opened one of the drawers of the kitchen island and pulled out a weapon and ammunition. He began meticulously to load the revolver. Mac watched him, worrying.  
  
" Don't get inside Palmer's head, Harm, it's not some place you want to be." " Maybe it's the only way to find him." " What if he finds you first ? Webb was not the only one that Palmer had a grudge against." " I'm not afraid of Palmer, Mac." " Well, I am for you."  
  
Harm looked up and watched Mac carefully. Her voice had been trembling.  
  
Since they had found out that Palmer was not in Leavenworth, the behavior of the young woman had changed. She was the same worrying and caring friend again as she had been when she had followed him to Russia and had kept him out of trouble.  
  
After their conversation on Christmas Eve, Mac had managed to be both distant and friendly, always totally professional when they were working together, and at the same time warm and nice when they occasionally met in the bullpen or in the kitchen for some coffee. She was the same Mac he had met two years before, friendly but reserved, never one to be totally open, but available every time he needed her.  
  
If it were not for the pain he sometimes felt when he watched her laughing with Brumby, or the memories his mind was playing at night in his dreams, Harm would have thought their love story from the past year had been a dream. Love story, what a grandiloquent expression ! Mac had told him it was just an affair, nothing more . And it looked like she had not changed her mind. She went on with her life, as if nothing had happened, just the way she had behaved a while back, when she asked Dalton to get away from her life, before he was murdered.  
  
In the first days of February, Lieutenant Commander Jordan Parker crossed their road during an investigation they were having in Bethesda. Mac had pointed out to Harm how much the young psychiatrist seemed to enjoy his smile. He had this odd feeling that Mac was pushing him into Jordan's arms, as if to force him to definitely turn the page.  
  
And suddenly today he was reading anguish in Mac's eyes. Webb's sudden death had certainly made her more vulnerable. But he was not sure what to think about the fact that Mac vas so frankly telling him she was scared for him. Finally, he looked away from Mac's face. He was not sure what he wanted to read in her eyes.  
  
He went back to working on his weapon. Now was not the time to wonder about Mac's feelings. Palmer was free somewhere out there and would probably try to get to him.  
  
Mac had been studying Harm since the Admiral had told them about Webb's death, the day before. She had noticed this glimmer she knew so well in her friend's eyes, a glimmer meaning 'It's my fault, I should have . ' . Once again, Harm felt responsible for what happened, and Mac wanted to know why. He would not tell her unless she forced him . She had then refused to let him drive her back home when they landed at Andrews. She had insisted on coming with him, to discuss how they would proceed. And now she would not leave until she would know why Harm was taking all this to heart much more than she had expected.  
  
" You aren't hiding something out from me, are you ? "  
  
Harm put the magazine he was holding on the table. He hesitated a while before slowly heading to his desk, to his answering machine. He pushed one button, and Webb's panting voice sounded in the apartment.  
  
" Rabb, it's Webb, I need to talk to you, it's an emergency . Rabb, I know you're there. You pick up ! "  
  
And just when Harm's voice answered, the call ended suddenly.  
  
The look Harm gave to Mac broke her heart. Harm felt guilty, because he had been late to answer the call.  
  
" I didn't want to pick up . I was with Jordan ."  
  
His eyes seemed even more guilty, he barely dared to look at her now. Mac could do nothing for Webb, and she was convinced Harm could have done nothing too . But she had to keep her friend from feeling responsible for what had happened, every thing that had happened. He was once again on the verge of finding an excuse to stay away from life if she did not interfere.  
  
" Harm, stop now ! You had no idea what was up, and Webb dragged us so often into crazy missions that you were right to hesitate. This is not your fault, and even if you had answered his call, I doubt you could have done anything. " " How do you know, Mac ? We don't know when he died. It was 2300 when he called, maybe I had time to drive to Baltimore, I could have helped him ." " And you could have been killed too. You don't know either, Harm. Stop believing you can avoid everything that is wrong in this world. " " Not in the world, Mac. But I should be there when my friends need me. Webb needed me, and I betrayed him. And then I betrayed you .I did not think any longer about Webb that night . " " What disturbs you so much, Harm ? The fact you could not save Webb, or the fact you spent the night with Jordan instead of trying to save him ? When will you really give up this millstone round your neck ? You are not responsible for anything else than your own life, Harm . "  
  
Without telling a word, Harm went back to the counter, he took the weapons and the magazines and put them in his holster. He put then the holster on under his jacket and came back to Mac, still at the same place, watching him.  
  
" You should go home, Mac, it's late. I'll drive you back. " " No. " " No ?" " I'm not leaving, there is no way I would leave you alone now. " " I don't need a baby-sitter, Mac. " " Then consider me as your guardian angel. Remember, it's always safer when I'm there to watch your back. I'm not leaving my partner alone tonight. I'm going to sleep on the couch, Harm, just give me a blanket, I will not bother you. "  
  
Frowning, Harm watched her hesitantly.  
  
" I believe it's not a good idea, Mac. " " And I know you are not able to think unbiased about the situation, Harm, and I will not allow you to jump into troubles. Go to sleep, it will be OK."  
  
Harm rolled his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.  
  
" I presume I can't say anything to change your mind. " " Don't even think about it. Just give me one of your t-shirts, a blanket and a pillow. Oh, Harm, don't try to run off like the night when you were after Diane's murderer. I know every trick you could put out . "  
HARM'S APPARTMENT- NORTH OF UNION STATION - WASHINGTON DC February 11th, 1999 - 0130  
  
Wrapped in the blanket, Mac stand at the window, aware of the minutes ticking by. She waited for this night to end, just like every other night when rest ran away from her.  
  
The quiet breathing from Harm's bedroom soothed her for a moment, and she had sunk into a perturbed sleep until a nightmare awoke her : she had envisioned Harm's body lying in an ocean of blood, just near Webb's body, and Palmer standing near them, sniggering. Mac knew she could not really protect Harm, at one moment or another she would have to loosen her watch. But the idea that he would die, just like the others, just like Webb now if she stopped watching him, was killing her.  
  
She felt tears gliding along her cheeks and laughed sadly. If she was so certain she would bring him bad luck, why did she stay near him ? Why had she not requested a transfer somewhere , as far away as possible, Hawaii or Guam ? Why was she not able to rip him out of her heart ?  
  
She shivered, she was chilled to the bone. She remembered the heating thermostat to be near the door. Harm would not mind if she put it up for the night. Slowly she made her way through the room, but she collided with the desk. The noise sounded through the silent apartment and Mac stopped short, looking up towards the bedroom.  
  
Harm woke up with a start, alarmed.  
  
" Mac, you're okay ? " " I'm fine, Harm, I just wanted to push up the heating, it's pretty cold here. "  
  
Harm pushed the blankets away and jumped out of the bed, his boxers barely hiding his body. He went down the two stairs, leading to the door, to her.  
  
Mac froze and bit her lips. Gathering all her will power, she turned away from the silhouette leading to the door and went back near the window, silent and motionless.  
  
How had she been able to turn him away, to deny her, deny them a few months or a few years happiness ? Why did she think their relationship was doomed to fail without even giving it a real try ? She had struggled so hard for him to give up on her, and she knew deep inside that she would never be able to give up on him. She was pitiful.  
  
Silent tears flooded her cheeks, she heard Harm's naked feet on the floor, he was going back to bed. She jumped as she felt his hand touch her shoulder and tensed, her whole will power focused on one thought : she did not want to burst into tears. She felt Harm's warm and almost naked body near hers, and this warmth spread through her soul. She closed her eyes, trying to get in control of her body, or maybe just savoring the sensations the simple touch of Harm's hand on her shoulder had evoked, in spite of the t-shirt and the blanket.  
  
" Mac, tell me what is wrong. " " . " " Mac, we agreed we would stay friends, remember . Speak to me, I know something is wrong, is it because of Webb ? " " Because of Webb, and because of all the others, and because of . "  
  
She stopped short, biting her lips again, this time to keep herself from speaking too much.  
  
Harm turned Mac around to face him. He put one finger under her chin and forced her to look up at him. But when he finally saw how much despair her eyes were showing, he forgot every thing he had in mind before.  
  
" Oh God, no, Sarah, don't cry, speak to me . I can't bear to see you like this . "  
  
Slowly, he wiped off the tears streaming on Mac's face. He gently touched her cheek with the palm of his hand, trying to read from her eyes why she was so sad.  
  
Mac lifted her hand and put it on Harm's hand, closing her eyes to enjoy this contact ; she then turned slowly her face and dropped a light kiss in his palm.  
  
Both hesitant and confused, she looked up at him. She knew it was foolish to think she could regain some self control, she would not try to push Harm away once more . It was beyond her strength.  
  
From her dark eyes, which were no longer trying to hide anything, he read an endless commitment, an intense and desperate need which took his breath away. His eyes not leaving hers, he slowly lowered his head towards hers, until their breathings merged. She felt Harm's soul on her lips, she longed for this so sweet touch she had missed too much.  
  
She heard him whisper 'Sarah . ' but he did not move. Mac's hand moved up to the face of her former lover and she pulled him to her lips, melting in their kiss. Harm's lips, at first moderate and innocent, awoke slowly and turned demanding. His tongue thrust eagerly into Mac's mouth, a willing victim. He embraced her, huddling her against him, printing his desire in her body, unable to let her go, even if it would mean death for him. His hands pulled the blanket back, began their slow journey down her t-shirt, and settled on Mac's breasts, finding comfort in these familiar gestures and sensations.  
  
She totally let go in his arms, eyes closed, listening to the hot waves running through her body. She refused to pay attention to the tiny voice in her head, a voice telling her to wake up, to not let go, a voice reminding her that it would be even more difficult to get back into reality. Never mind, tomorrow did not exist. The only things important were these minutes she was right now sharing with Harm, moments more powerful than an eternity of loneliness.  
  
Suddenly, Mac felt she was falling, Harm had just let her go and stepped back. He caught her wrist but stayed one step away from her, frowning, breathing heavily.  
  
" I'm sorry, Mac, I should not have . " " Harm ! "  
  
Slowly, Mac loosened Harm's hand still around her wrist, she lifted it to her lips and dropped feather light kisses on his fingers, his palm, her lips half open, her tongue sweetly teasing him. She looked up to Harm, smiled almost shyly and stepped backwards towards the couch, pulling him with her. As she was about to fall back, Harm caught her in his arms, nestling her with tenderness. He headed towards his bedroom, smiled at her and whispered in her ear :  
  
" I don't want you to be cold . "  
  
HARM'S APPARTMENT- NORTH OF UNION STATION - WASHINGTON DC February 11th, 1999 - 0600  
  
Mac was watching Harm as he peacefully slept near her, his chest moving slowly with every breath. Seconds fell one by one in her head, taking her to the moment when Harm would want explanations, a moment she was scared of. She wished she could stop time, instead of being so well aware of it. She wished they could lock themselves inside a cocoon, far away from the rest of the world, from other people, from reality, just the two of them, alone for eternity. She was anxious about Harm's first reaction. She had given herself to him tonight so totally that he had to believe she had changed the rules of the game.  
  
Deep inside, Mac had no idea where she stood. Nothing had really changed, unless the fact she was now sure she would never love a man more than she loved Harm. But she still was not ready to take the risk of losing every thing if their love failed.  
  
She began slowly to move, trying to free her hand, captive of Harm's one. When he had fallen-asleep, he had closed his arms around her, his left leg upon hers, taking her prisoner of his warmth and his love.  
  
She had to leave before he woke up. She had no idea what to tell him, not until she would understand what she really wanted. And people thought Harm was complicated ! Why was she so afraid to let go and love him just as her heart longed to ? Because he is going to destroy you, and leave you, and let you alone just like your parents did, whispered a crying little girl hidden in the depth of her memories. No, Harm would never do that, answered Mac vehemently. Are you sure ? retorted the little girl.  
  
She had to get over her fears if she really wanted to live a real love with a man, with Harm, one future day. She would explain to him, she would request his help . but not right now .  
  
Finally she slowly got up, standing still, her heart pounding when Harm turned in the bed, but he did not awake. Stealthily she went to the living room, put on her uniform and closed the door without looking back.  
  
STATE PLAZA HOTEL - WASHINGTON DC February, 13th 1999 - 0230  
  
At least, Jordan had fallen asleep, cuddled against Harm.  
  
The doctor appointed by the hotel had not asked any questions. He had dressed the forehead of the naval officer covered with blood and had managed to not wonder about the gorgeous blonde just dressed in a diaphanous deshabillé. However, a steel-eyed giant had pulled out some badge from the Agency, and this was enough for him to forget all about it.  
  
Harm watched Jordan, who was now part of his life against his will. She had arrived in his life at a bad moment, and she could have died because of him. She could have died, because one night he had tried to forget Mac in her arms, and she was the one Palmer had chosen to pull him into his trap.  
  
How had Palmer managed to know about Jordan ? They had only dated twice the week before and on the evening when Webb had called, it was the first time they were spending the night together. Palmer had probably tracked him, taken information about him. Thanks God, he had not understood about Mac, probably because at the time Mac was part of his life, Palmer was not looking for a way to hurt Harm.  
  
Harm was ashamed to feel relieved. Mac did not risk anything from Palmer, she was safe, and she had to stay safe . as long he would not have find this sonofabitch. He had to be sure Palmer would not understand she was the one Harm wanted to protect. But protecting Mac meant putting Jordan in danger . How could he even think about it ?  
  
He watched the young and innocent woman, whose only fault was to have accepted the overtures he had made. She was sweet, very smart, funny, and beautiful. If things had been different, he probably would have really cared for her, maybe he could have been in love with her if Mac had not been in his life.  
  
If Mac had not been in his life ...  
  
He remembered this terrible impression of loneliness and questioning he had felt when he woke up and found out Mac had run away. She was gone before they could speak, before he could tell her he was not about to give up on her, never, and he even did not want to try again.  
  
And things had been crazy, it was impossible to discuss relationships at JAG and even if they had been willing to, they would not have found time even for a quick lunch . And yet, Mac did not look as if she really wanted to speak with him about the night they had spent together. Her whole behavior showed how reluctant she was. She was so different form the passionate and sensuous woman who had made love to him until he begged laughing for mercy. Mac's crystal-clear laughter just before dawn, the way she cuddled against him, as if to blend in him. He had fallen asleep happy, convinced that luck was back with him. He was convinced that once Palmer was arrested, they would finally be together and go on with their love story. Because he knew it now, it was a love story, and not an affair .  
  
Jordan turned, reached for Harm and opened her eyes.  
  
" You can't sleep ? " " I will . Go back to sleep . " " Harm, you did not tell me every thing, right ? " " Shhh, Jordan, it's late, you have to sleep. " " I'm not a baby, Commander, I know what is good for me . Harm, you know you can speak to me, remember, it's my job to listen to people, and I'm pretty good. "  
  
Harm smiled softly, took her in his arms and put a light kiss on her cheek.  
  
"Don't worry, every thing is fine, you're safe with me. Every thing is going to be okay. "  
  
TBC 


	8. Breaking off 8

8/11  
  
JAG HQ - FALLS CHURCH February, 20th 1999  
  
The upset voices from Major Mackenzie and Lieutenant Commander Rabb sounded in the bullpen, announcing their arrival, and every body moved away, trying to avoid them. For a few days, it seemed to be usual that life at the office was punctuated by the endless arguing of both officers.  
  
" You skipped over the stage of the corpsman to the lab assistant, what was the whole point of this line of questioning : to create the possibility of a break in the chain of custody. " " That was your intention, Harm. As far as I am concerned, lab and corpsman were never in the center of this case. " " So then what was ?"  
  
Admiral Chegwidden came out of Tiner's office and stopped near his two officers, who were so focused on their arguing that they were not aware of the Jag crew looking at them, nor of their commanding officer standing now by them. Arms crossed on his chest, his look ice cold, AJ decided now was the time to interfere.  
  
" Please. This suspense is killing me. "  
  
Mac and Harm jumped and came instinctively to attention. Mac was the first to regain self control.  
  
" It's the Lipari court martial, Admiral. " " You'll have to explain this in my office. Now. " " Yes, Sir, " they answered at the same time.  
  
AJ stood near the window, looking outside. Even while they tried to explain why they had different opinions on the case, it turned once again to a verbal fight. It looked like they were not able any longer to speak to each other without exasperation. It was not the first time Harm and Mac had different ideas about a case they were investigating or defending, far from that, but never before had this misunderstanding and arguing lasted longer than a day. And never before had AJ felt he had to interfere.  
  
Today, the issue was more serious, it began to impact on the mood of all people under his command, and he had no right to just ignore it.  
  
Actually, from AJ's point of view, it looked like it all had begun after Harm had found Webb alive, and Palmer escaped him. In the first days, AJ believed this tension every one around was experiencing was just the follow up from this situation. It was unual for the both of them, but AJ assumed Palmer's run and the constant threat on Harm and his girlfriend, Lt Commander Jordan Parker, were probably the source of this tension. But now, it had been a week, and AJ felt intuitively there was another reason, something only Harm and Mac knew about, something aggravating their tiniest dissensions.  
  
Solemnly, he turned to the two officers still standing at attention for ten minutes.  
  
" I just requested the authorization from Admiral Morris to have you both removed from the Lipari's case . Don't be thrilled. I'm sending you both as a team on board the submarine USS Watertown in the Arctic Sea to conduct an investigation about the navigation mistake from last night. " " The two of us, Sir ? " interrupted Harm. " The two of you, Commander. And now, I'm going to make it really clear . If you don't prove to me that you are still able to work on a normal basis together, if you are not able to get over the problems you two seem to have with each other, as soon as you are back, I'll have the both of you transferred on the other side of the world, as far away as possible from the other, before you set the whole Navy on fire. I will not tolerate one more minute of the unprofessional behavior you have had for one week in this office, understood ? I don't know what is wrong, and I don't want to know unless one of you think it's in your best interest to let me know . but if I have once again to step in and maintain discipline, you'll spend the rest of your career being sorry about it. " " Aye aye Sir, " they answered both together, their eyes focused on the horizon line, living examples of military behavior.  
  
AJ noticed how Mac's cheeks suddenly blushed. Now he was sure of one thing : their problem was not professional, but he would not follow such a dangerous path. While he explained to them shortly the circumstances of the mishap they had to investigate, he scrutinized them carefully. He had now second thoughts about sending them together on board a submarine. Until this day, Rabb and Mackenzie had been totally able to manage just about any situation together, but today AJ was not sure he was not making a mistake. If the two officers were not able to work together better than they had been during the past week, the USS Watertown was going to sail through troubled waters. And all this agitation would have immediate consequences on their careers.  
  
He allowed himself a deep sigh and dismissed them, deciding once again to trust them.  
  
OFFICE OF DOCTOR LAURA ASHTON FAIRFAX - VIRGINIA March, 8th 1999  
  
" I don't know how to begin . I never figured I would one day seek advice from a psychiatrist " stammered Mac. She was sitting on the edge of a deep armchair near the window, she seemed to be ready to jump and run away.  
  
It was a large room, with bright walls, a big bookcase full of books against the farthest wall and a large French window hovering a big garden. It was still winter, the trees were dark and bare, but at least the sun was shining. After the two weeks when Mac had only seen artificial light, only breathe recycled air, she would have happily welcomed even rain.  
  
She felt uncomfortable, but at the same time was relieved to be here because she had finally made a difficult decision, a decision she had been wrong to not think about before. If she had spoken to Harm before, if she had accepted that the source of her problems could be more serious than just an unresolved divorce, she would probably not have driven them into this dead end from which they could not escape.  
  
She still could hear in her mind the words Harm had said to her in the corridor of the USS Watertown. These words had been floating around her while she was driving to the psychiatrist and had helped her to be strong and not run away.  
  
" Want to know my opinion ? You really have a problem ! "  
  
Yes, she had a problem, but she would no longer run away , she was going to face her demons. And in case a future with Harm was still possible at the far end, she would fight to obtain it.  
  
The young woman sitting in front of her smiled quietly, her presence was soothing, her voice was sweet, and Mac was surprised to feel so confident with her.  
  
" So, Sarah . may I call you Sarah ? Just speak aloud as if I were you. You called me on the 14th of February, you were crying. Explain to me why, the same way you would explain it to your best friend. And don't try to make it clear, or logical, don't try to follow the same idea, just try to follow your emotions. " " The problem is I have no friend I would speak with about all this. My only friends are all job related, and my best friend . well, it's a man . and he is . "  
  
Mac stopped, tears were flowing her cheeks. Embarrassed, she snorted, looked for tissues in her purse, but she could not stop her hands trembling.  
  
" You have tissues near you, on the coffee table by the chair. Let go, Sarah . "  
  
Mac closed her eyes, and pictures began to overflow her mind : the endless arguing with Harm, the first days aboard the Watertown and the almost physical hostility between them .  
  
" You know, Mac, I'm beginning to think that this is more than just a bump in the road. You obviously resent me. " " And you have no faith in me. " " How did we get to this point anyway ? "  
  
Mac was aware that as long she would refuse to speak to Harm, to explain to him why her behavior was apparently so irrational, things could only get worse between them. If she did not have guts to tell him the truth, her prophecies would turn out to be true : their friendship would sink, washed away in the shipwreck of a love she was too scared to accept.  
  
She was not able to give up on Harm, and yet every thing she did was taking them further apart. What did he think after that night when she gave herself to him with no word of explanation ? She knew he loved her, but she behaved exactly as if she was only interested in his body. And it was so easy to draw Harm into that bed, so easy and so wonderful . and so stupid .  
  
She heard someone speaking, a voice she barely recognized as her own .  
  
" He is not only my best friend, he is the only person I ever really cared for since I was a child . about ten days ago, he saved my life . and sometimes I just wish he would have let me die ."  
  
Mac's sobbing punctuated the silence. She could not remember ever having cried this way before. As Harm had left her apartment, on this night when he spoke about marriage and she turned him away, she had cried for a long time, but her tears meant the end of love, the end of hope, a door closing when you will never have the key.  
  
Right now, the tears she was crying were washing her clean, they were breaking fences which had to be broken now. Slowly, the sobbing became quieter, and silent tears replaced it. She could speak again. She told about Harm, their friendship, these two long years while they did not dare to act on their feelings, the six months happiness she had with him, and their breaking off.  
  
Laura Ashton watched her as she relaxed slowly, still crying, as if the spring could not dry out. But the young woman who had found the strength to come and speak to her seemed now to be ready to fight out of her confinement.  
  
After about twenty minutes, Mac stopped speaking and the young psychiatrist stood up and went to her desk.  
  
" Which day can you come back ? Next week would be good. " " I don't . " hesitated Mac. " Sarah, you're on the right way, but this is only the first step, and the road will probably be long. Don't wait longer, for you . and for him . "  
  
Mac looked up to the therapist, tears glistening in her eyes, and she tried a weak smile.  
  
" For him ? He has someone else in his life, now." " Give him another chance, Sarah. Learn how to love yourself and to understand yourself, and a lot of things could change in your life. You'll come here next week . If you can't, call me. But only if it's a professional reason. Sarah, you made the first step, it's known to be the most difficult, don't give up now. "  
  
USS CORAL SEA - ARABIAN SEA March, 29th 1999  
  
Leaning against the door, her hand bandaged, Mac was observing Harm.  
  
During the whole air fight, it looked like he was gone, his body was still on the bridge, but his mind was flying the Tomcat and fighting the Mig .  
  
He turned toward her, feeling her look in his back, and his bright smile vanished when he noticed the worry in her eyes.  
  
Slowly, at first without him noticing, their relationship was getting back to a quieter , almost friendly one, even if they both still avoided any personal conversation. They had not spoken about the USS Watertown, about the way they had saved each other's lives.  
  
After the way Mac had run away from him once Webb was found alive, Harm had decided he would not be the one to make the first move, he would not take the risk to suffer a rebuff again. Before being in love with Mac, he had been one to seldom accept to follow his heart's orders. And now, in less than one year, because of Mac he had experienced too many different and contradictory feelings. He did not want to put his heart in danger again. He did not understand Mac's behavior at all. He was sure their relationship was not just about sex, even if Mac was not willing to admit it. But if she was not willing to accept this fact, he could do nothing against it, except wait.  
  
Once Mac would be ready, he'd be there.  
  
Maybe.  
  
Meanwhile, he would go on with his life. Just as before.  
  
Mac watched him for a while, and then left the bridge without saying a word. Quickly he caught up with her in the deserted corridor and held her arm.  
  
" Mac, why do you run away ? " " You were good, right ? " " I'm still good, Mac. You can't forget that. " " Harm, even if your eyes were fixed, you could not fly on a carrier any more. I'm worried for you. " " Mac, I was just watching the action . " " No Harm, not with this look in your eyes. I know you better than that. Each time you see pilots or fighters, you are different. It's as if you were happier when you fly." " Maybe I am. Maybe my life is less complicated when I fly."  
  
She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes, trying to ignore the reproach in his voice. She was aware she had made his life unusually difficult, but he did not look like he was really hurt. He spent a lot of time with Commander Parker, much more than she wished .  
  
She looked up at Harm again, and noticed she could not read anything in his eyes.  
  
" Since when are you looking after simplicity, Harm ? Since you are dating a shrink ? I would have thought you would get lost in centuries long analyses with her. " " Mac, it's not the place to have this discussion " he muttered, struggling to control his anger. " If you are willing to speak, really speak, without running away . just tell me, but stop playing games with me." " I'm not playing games, Harm. One day, you'll understand. " " I believe there is nothing to understand, you ."  
  
People were approaching and quickly Harm and Mac went apart and back into the empty officer's room. Harm brought them some coffee and they spread their files to work again, both aware they were doing their best to avoid a true discussion about their feelings.  
  
Silence was getting more and more dense. Suddenly, Harm swept away the papers lying in front of him. He stood and began pacing the room.  
  
" Mac, can we decide about a truce and keep our personal relationship out of the way when we're on an investigation ? I can't stand this continuous tension when I'm with you. If we are not able to forget about it while working, I'm going to call the admiral and request he replaces me immediately and transfers me. Maybe it's time to face the truth, Mac, we can't work together anymore. " " Harm, of course we can . " " No, Mac, in DC it's possible, because we are not all the time together. But when we are sent away together on a case, you know it's different. And how do you think we could explain to Admiral Chegwidden why he can't send us working together as a team ? It's getting ridiculous, Mac. Remember what he told us before sending us aboard the Watertown. We could manage only one thing, put everyone off the track. But as soon we are alone together, we can't make as if. We must get out of this, Mac, and save what still can be. Or we'll have to accept that everything is over and move on . " " I believe you already moved on, Harm. " " No, Sarah, not yet . but I'm not sure I still have enough energy to fight with you every day without knowing why. Damn it, marine, react ! How can you behave the way you do and not understand something is wrong ? " " Who says I don't know ? " " Why don't you do anything then ? Why did you leave without speaking to me, Sarah, without even letting me a note ? After what had happened ? " " Harm, not here . " " See, Mac, you run away each time I want us to speak. " " I know, Harm. Just be sure I'm aware of all this . and I . I'm working on it. I just need you to wait a little more. " " Just tell me you are not playing games with me, Mac." " How can you believe that ? " " You try your best to seduce me, and in the morning you throw me away as if I were a used tissue . this is not really the sort of relationships I'm used to, unlike what some people may think. I never behaved this way with any woman and I can't stand the idea that you, Mac, are the one acting this way with me. " " I'm not playing games with you, Harm. I was sincere that night, more than you can imagine. Just when daylight is here, I have troubles facing our relationship. But I promise you I'm trying. Can we make a truce, Harm ? Please ? " " Each time you look at me this way, Mac, I forget any grief I could have against you. This is still the core of the problem. But I'm serious, if the situation between us does not change, I'll do all I can to avoid working with you in the future."  
  
OFFICE OF DOCTOR LAURA ASHTON FAIRFAX - VIRGINIA April, 5th 1999 - 1900  
  
" Are you really sure you want to do that, Sarah ? It's too early, you know, we are far away from the heart of the problem. " " I know that, but I'm so afraid I won't find any solution soon enough. I feel Harm to be each time further away. He is not willing to live this way any longer. If we had not slept together in February, it could have worked out, but now every thing is getting more and more complicated. I wish Harm could understand that I'm serious when I tell him I'm addressing my problems. I wish he would not think about leaving. If he left now, just when we are losing what little was still there, this therapy would be pointless. " " Don't say that, Sarah. Your whole life is not only this man. You are fighting for you, not for him." " No, you are wrong, I'm fighting for him first. If it were not for him, I could have lived the way I used to live. I could have been happy enough with the men who wanted me, and I would never have the feeling I had to be perfect to be worthy of them . If it were not for him, I could have faced every thing alone. " " Sarah, I advise you against telling him about your therapy right now. Gain some more time, avoid being alone with him, or if you can't, you'll have to speak to him alone about this. I will in no case meet him, it's not in your best interest and it would even be against the idea of your therapy. What is happening here is just between you and me, Sarah, actually it's even just between you and you, I'm only there as a facilitator. I can't forbid you to speak to Harm about your therapy, but you'll have to make it alone. It's essential for your relationship. " " But I can't do that right now. " " Then, wait ! " " And what if he leaves ? « " Sarah, just one thing at a time. He is still there. "  
  
Back in her car a little later, Mac was rehashing doctor Ashton's words : he is still there, yes, but for how long ? Why had she this feeling that every thing was spiraling up, that she would run out of time ?  
  
LICHFIELD AIRFIELD - VIRGINIA April 5th, 1999 - 1900.  
  
The Stearman was making her approach for landing, the sun had just gone down, Harm had been flying a little longer than usual. He could forget anything while flying, JAG, trials, and over all Sarah and her totally irrational behavior. Here he was free, he was regaining the strength he needed more and more every day to work with her and have no other relationship with her.  
  
He looked at the lights along the runway, but every thing was sunk in fog. Today was not the first time he was landing at dawn. Sweat covered his forehead, even if the air around was chilly. He took a deep breath and landed the Stearman, using his instinct more than his eyes.  
  
Getting in his car to drive back to DC, he decided to see as soon as possible an ophthalmologist. No one had ever told him his night blindness could get worse.  
  
He sure did not need this new problem, right now.  
  
TBC 


	9. Breaking off 9

9/11  
  
JAG HQ - FALLS CHURCH April 20th, 1999  
  
Harm parked his 'Vette at his usual place, near Mac's car. After long discussions with the ophthalmologist and Jordan, he was sure of his decision. The appointment was set for Friday, 23th. The doctor would perform the eye surgery on him and he should have his vision totally back . his vision, and his ability to fly fighter jets again.  
  
Jordan had helped him a lot in considering all aspects of this situation. He spent a lot of time with her, and knew every one around believed she was his girl friend . Mac too, probably, but he could think of no reason to tell her she was wrong.  
  
Jordan had told him laughingly how Carolyn Imes had questioned her during the party at Mc Murphy's celebrating Bud's promotion.  
  
Carolyn insisted on asking about how Harm was like in bed, and at the beginning Jordan had thought about telling the truth to Carolyn and Mac. Mac was acting so relaxed, looking both entertained and interested, and so innocent . But she decided against it, none of the young women there would have believed that Jordan had only slept once with Harm, on the night when Webb was supposed to have been killed and that after these events, Harm had told her everything, explaining Palmer, the danger he brought with him, and gradually telling her about Mac and their relationship. And Jordan soon became weirdly the presumed girl friend, while she was only the confidante and she began using her professional skills while being with Harm.  
  
Harm was aware he would never be grateful enough toward her for what she was doing. He knew their relationship could have been much more than this special friendship they shared, if his life had just been different.  
  
But each time he asked Jordan to forgive him about the way their relationship had turned out, she stopped him smiling.  
  
Ten days earlier, after leaving the Hamilton ophthalmologic clinic, as soon he was in his office at Jag HQ, he had picked up the phone and called Jordan, not thinking about closing the door of the room.  
  
He was looking outside , his back to the door, smiling widely. It was just like the day when he had learnt he was going to join the USNA in Annapolis. Today, the big news was about his eyes, his night blindness was not a night blindness, the hope of flying again at night was back, a door he believed condemned was unlocked again. His voice sounded enthusiastic and impatient while he spoke with Jordan.  
  
" Yes, tonight, come over, I'll cook for you." " . " " As soon as you can, 1800 if it's okay for you, I'm so impatient to tell you. " " . " " Not yet, not on phone." " . " " I do too. You're the best, Jordie."  
  
Harm turned toward the desk to put down the phone. His eyes were bright with happiness and impatience and . he found Mac standing in the doorway. He had been so quick that she was surprised and had not time to put on this 'I-don't-care' face she had each time she saw him with Jordan. He could read sadness out of the eyes of this woman, the only woman in his life. But she had to be the one to make things clear between them.  
  
If she had asked him at this exact moment what Jordan meant to him, he would have explained every thing. And he would have explained to her about his eyes too, he wanted to share this with her, Sarah, but he would wait until she was the one coming to him .  
  
On this Tuesday morning, Harm was about to enter the building when he caught sight of Mac's figure sitting alone at one of the tables on the deck, with a weird expression on her face . She had no coffee and it was not exactly time for lunch break. So what was she doing there, right now when he expected her to be focused on the Lawrence file, the appeal case for the next week ?  
  
His hesitation lasted less than one second. This was not Mac-like, she surely had a real problem and he would not let her face it alone this time, even if he had to impose himself upon her.  
  
Relaxed, flashing his trademark smile, he came to the table.  
  
" Hey, Marine, I thought you would be polishing your arguments to kill me next week . You are ."  
  
She looked at him, her eyes veiled with tears, and interrupted him, her voice dry.  
  
" This is not a good time, Harm. Leave me alone." " Mac, what is . " " Not now. "  
  
He stared at her for a moment, wondering once more how to behave. He turned and made a few steps toward the building, then suddenly came back, put a chair and sat down, elbows standing on the table, just in front of her.  
  
" Harm, I told you not now." " Yes, but it was a couple of seconds ago. Mac, what is wrong ? And even if you get mad, I'm not leaving."  
  
She remained silent a few more minutes , staring somewhere beyond the trees, then turned to Harm.  
  
" It's about my father, he is dying." " I believed you had no more contact with your father ? " " He is in a hospital in California, a priest taking care of him just called me. He wants me to come and meet him, Harm ... " " What are you going to do ? " " Nothing. " " Mac ! " " I won't do anything, Harm, I can't face him now. I don't want to know anything about him." " And that's the reason why you are sitting here alone, fretting about things you don't ever know about instead of working in your office ? That's the reason why you are about to cry, even if usually you are the bravest woman I know ? Because you don't want to know anything about him ? Mac, don't lie to yourself. " " Oh no, you stop this now, I get this enough from Laura . " " Who is Laura ? " " My . A friend .. I won't go, Harm, period. " " Sarah, you have to go, for you, for your future. From what you told me about your father, I believe as long you will not get over the issues you have with him, you won't be able to go on with your life. Sarah, you have to go and meet him, and tell him what he did to you, and then you'll make peace with yourself. " " Why do you care so much, Harm ? " " You know the reason, Sarah . Stop hiding behind God knows what, face the truth, for us. " " . Harm, there is no us . " " Because you don't want it to be, because you run away each time I'm trying talk to you. " " Jordan . " " Leave Jordan out of the picture, she has nothing to do with us. "  
  
His eyes were still on her. JAG HQ's deck was probably not the best place to have a conversation about their future, but no one was around at the moment, and Harm knew intuitively that he had to grab the first chance he got with Mac. Jordan had told him again and again that Mac probably needed help, that he had to not judge her, and he had to be there near her as soon she would need it, whatever the place or the time would be. If he loved her, he had to be ready about putting himself at risk, this would probably be what Mac would request from him.  
  
And the first and biggest of these risks was once again to make the first move toward her, even if she was perhaps going to turn him away.  
  
But Mac did not run away, she was still watching him.  
  
Harm felt safer and smiled at her, encouraging.  
  
" If you wish, Mac, I can go with you . " " No, this is something I have to do alone. But you are right, Harm, I have to go and meet him, I know I have a lot of things to tell him, and when I'll be back . I believe we should speak . I mean really speak. " " You know this is the only thing I wish, Mac. Let's go, you have to see the admiral and leave. I'll take care of your flight ticket with Tiner. " " I can't leave right now, I have to meet Laura first. " " Laura ? This friend of yours you never mentioned until today ? " " I'll tell you about her when I'll be back, but right now don't ask. If you want to help me, just find a flight this evening to Fresno, California ." " Aye, aye, Madam " answered Harm standing at attention. " Harm, stop being stupid. " " Hey, you smiled, Sarah . I hate it when you are sad . "  
  
AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT AA320 TO WASHINGTON DC Friday April, 23th 1999  
  
She wished she could have talked to Harm before boarding the plane, she would have asked him to pick her up at Reagan National. She needed him to be with her, she needed him to rock her gently in his arms and help her forget she just had said her farewell to her father.  
  
How could the death of this father she believed she had turned away upset her so much ? The doctor Ashton had asked her a few times during their meetings to tell her about her childhood, to tell her about her parents, but soon Mac was silent. She could not bear the pain the memories from her childhood and her teenage years were bringing back. Now, she was totally aware of how important this supposed deep buried past was in her adult life, in the woman she was, but until the death of her father she had not been able to confront it.  
  
Harm did not answer her calls on his cell phone. She had called Tiner, and he had explained her that Commander Rabb had requested leave for the afternoon, and he did not know how to reach him. He had been so friendly, asking her if she had got in time the flowers her colleagues had sent, and telling her once more how sad they all were for her, and how much they would have loved to be with her in this difficult time.  
  
They all were so nice, they were the family she had chosen, they never turned her away and were never mad at her, although she lately was so often in a bad mood.  
  
She had arrived too late and had not been able to speak with her father, tell him her anger and her frustration, ask him for explanations. So she had been pretty aggressive toward the priest who just wanted to calm her. But slowly doctor Ashton's words made their way in her mind : her father never left her, she was the one to run away, she had run away from Chris, and John, and Dalton, and even Harm. She was the one running away from men, they were not leaving her. And each time she found reasons to excuse herself for behaving with them the same way she had behaved with her father . the same way her mother had behaved with her . And her father, despite his real verbal violence, despite alcohol destroying him, had tried to protect her as long as she had been with him. He needed help, but she dumped him.  
  
As the priest showed her the news articles Joseph Mackenzie had in his wallet, articles relating Sarah Mackenzie's professional success, Mac had struggled to remain impassive. But her heart broke. She had turned her father away, but he still kept an eye on her, he still wanted to know what was happening to her, he was proud of her, and he had been willing to make truce with her before his final leaving.  
  
She had flown out of the room, looking for comfort in the beautiful garden, and felt on a bench, surrounded by a luxurious vegetation, the sun shining brightly over her. Nature around her meant life, new birth, and she thought about her father, about this life gone to hell because he never found enough courage to face his problems, because he found easier to destroy his life and the life people he loved than to admit he needed help.  
  
She had finally realized she had almost made the same lethal mistake, that this was her exact behavior until February, until she had made the decision to speak to someone, to request help. Mac had begun to cry, once again. She hated herself for being apparently so weak, for the tears she barely could refrain , even if she now admitted that crying was part of the recovery process. She had called doctor Ashton, and explained her that her father was dead before she could speak with him, but that she just realized she was no longer mad at him.  
  
And then she could not reach Harm. She understood she now did not need her therapist any more. No, she needed the man she loved, the man who once had wanted her to share his life. And even if she was still crying, after so many sleepless nights, Mac had the feeling she was about to find the answers she had been looking for so long. Harm would not be there at the airport, but tomorrow she would call him and would try to explain him the whole story. Finally.  
  
HAMILTON OPHTALMOLOGIC CLINIC - GEORGETOWN Friday, April 23th 1999  
  
Harm went to his car, his eyes protected by sunglasses . It would still take one long week before being sure about the outcome of the surgery. He just had called Tiner to make sure his absence did not perturb the video conference with the Chief of Staff .  
  
Actually, he did not really worry, Bud was able to replace him in this case, but it was the best excuse he had thought of to call Tiner and ask if he had news from Mac. She was supposed to be back today, and he was really mad at himself for not being with her. Once again, he had failed her and had not told her why. And yet, she had been there with him, on that day when he had to accept the death of his father.  
  
She always was there for him.  
  
Jordan had been insistent on telling about the surgery to Mac, telling him again and again that he must not hide anything from her, neither his hopes to have a perfect vision again, nor the fact that no woman was in his life, and especially not her, Jordan.  
  
But right now Harm did not want to go this way, not as long as Mac would not open to him first.  
  
He looked at his watch, it was 1900, Tiner had explained that Mac's plane was supposed to land at 1930, he could try to be there. At least, Mac was not arriving at Dulles. If traffic was not too dense on Arlington Memorial Bridge, he should be able to catch her before she took a cab.  
  
Twenty five minutes later, Harm parked his car outside the airport. Thank God, he was not wearing his uniform and had not to bother about keeping a proper appearance. He began racing through escalators and hallways, examining passengers hurrying for their luggage, checking if Mac was somewhere around. Right as he approached the arrival gate, he saw Mac coming toward him, casual dressed in jeans and sweater, her bag on her shoulder. She was starring into space, walking as an automaton, and her eyes were red.  
  
He came slowly to her, she still had not noticed him. She looked like she was not aware of the world around her, lost in thoughts which surely were not fun. He put quietly his hand on her shoulder and hoped she would recognize him before her marine's reflex came on gear and sent him to sickbay.  
  
" Mac . "  
  
She jumped, in defensive mood, but as soon she looked up and saw him standing just in front of her, she relaxed and fell into his arms.  
  
" Oh, Harm, here you are . "  
  
Mac's tears could not stop. They stood in the middle of the traveling crowd and he hugged her tightly, touching her hair, trying to calm her. He put her bag on his shoulder, took gently her hand, kissed it lightly and said :  
  
" Come on, I'll take you home. " " No, I have to meet someone first. But maybe you could drive me there ? "  
  
Her voice trembled hopefully.  
  
" I'll drive you wherever you want, Mac. I'm not leaving my best friend just when she needs me the most. "  
  
Friend .  
  
Mac bit her bottom lip, closed her eyes but regained immediate control. Here he was, even if he was just here as a friend. After all, she had been the one to destroy every thing, she could not turn him away every single day and then request he would wait for her for eternity.  
  
Harm noticed how Mac had tensed, the words he just said were not the best, but the place was not right for love declarations, just in the middle of a crowded hallway, even if they both were wearing civilian clothes.  
  
He took her hand and led her out, wishing she would not shy away. But to his utmost relief, she looked up at him with a wide and faithful smile and told him :  
  
" So let's go flyboy. Drive me to Fairfax, I'll call from your car to say I'm not alone. "  
  
One hour later, Harm parked his 'Vette in front of a nice white house, in a quiet and elegant street of Fairfax. During the whole drive, Mac had been silent after she had phoned to someone she called Laura, explaining to her that Harm was with her. It sounded as if she was negotiating something. But why would Mac have to negotiate the fact he would meet her friend ? Mac did not want to speak, refusing to answer his questions, speaking only to give him directions.  
  
Before he could get out of the car, Mac stopped him, putting her hand on his arm.  
  
" No, Harm, wait here a little more, it's a bit . complicated . "  
  
Harm clenched his jaws before he could say something unpleasant. He watched as she rang and enter the house, but could not see who had opened the door. Never mind, he still had waited so long without the smallest clue why Mac was driving him insane, he could allow her some more latitude, especially after the events she just got through.  
  
He got out of the car and went to the door, but the name written here did not ring any bell.  
  
ASHTON  
  
Maybe she was a friend of Mac. And yet, in three years, she never had him met a friend of hers, male or female, out of the military, and she never told about dinner or week end getaway. But yet she never mentioned an ex husband, nor an ex lover in the marines, nor .  
  
' Stop now, Rabb ! Wait and see what will happen before thinking about the worst. She told you she would explain to you . '  
  
After about ten minutes, a very pretty blond woman opened the door.  
  
" You are Harmon Rabb, I presume ? Good evening ! Come in . "  
  
Harm followed her through a vast white hallway in a room, probably an office : a couch, two armchairs, a large desk with a portable, some modern paintings hanging on the walls, and a big bookshelf.  
  
The room was empty and the woman vanished before Harm could ask her any thing . What did this all mean ? He went to the bookshelf and looked at the titles of the books. Suddenly he stopped : the books there were reminding him a lot of the books he had seen in Jordan's office or in her flat. And much more, this room looked a lot like Jordan's office in Bethesda, the real difference being the paintings here looked like originals, and the furniture was much cozier. It could not be a psychiatrist's office ?  
  
The door was opened behind him, he turned on his heels and watched as the young woman came in, this time with Mac apparently pretty uncomfortable.  
  
" Harm, meet doctor Laura Ashton. She's . my . therapist . "  
  
Harm's eyes traveled from one woman to the other, obviously he was disturbed by Mac's last words. Hesitantly, he asked :  
  
" For how long ? " " Since last March, in fact since Webb 's supposed death. I did not want to tell you from the beginning, I was not ready, but now I think I owe you the truth if I want a chance to have you back. "  
  
Seeing how they were just standing and now silent, Laura Ashton decided to step in . just a little .  
  
" You should sit down, you two . Harm . may I call you Harm ? Sarah wanted really for this to take place here, but I'll leave you alone. This is a neutral place. Take all the time you need and leave when you want, don't wait to see me again tonight, I'm not going to make any mediation between you. Sarah, you can call me tomorrow if you wish. "  
  
She left and closed the door.  
  
Minutes flied and the words Mac had so long thought about seemed now totally out of order to her. She finally laughed, this situation was just too ironic : two brilliant lawyers were sitting, facing each other, not speaking, unable to find the first word to express feelings so many people had no trouble to accept and proclaim loudly.  
  
" What is so funny, Mac ? " " I had a great speech ready in my mind, but right now I'm aware this is not what I want to tell you. In fact, Harm, I just want to tell you this : I know I hurt you, and the more I was hurting you, the more I was hurt too. I needed a long time to understand that I would never be able to have a successful relationship with a man, you or another one, as long I would not understand why I was just doing my best for these relationships to fail. If it were not for you, Harm, I would never have wondered. But you were right, I really had a problem and I'm just beginning to accept and face it. I wanted to make sure you know now I want to find a way out of this, and I don't want to lose you . Don't leave, Harm, don't leave because of me . "  
  
Mac stopped, tears in her voice.  
  
" Why did not you tell me before ? " " Harm, you are the reason why I became aware of the problem, and just as I noticed it, Jordan was in your life because I had urged you to do so. I could not speak before, it's still so difficult today while I just begin to have a better understanding of . every thing. " " Jordan is not in my life, Sarah, at least not the way you think. " " What do you mean ? " " Jordan is not my girlfriend, even if we spend a lot of time together. She's just a friend, someone who helped me to clarify my mind. I'm not going to tell you I never touched her, it's true I could have had an affair with her if you . if . if we had not spent the night together when we believed Webb was dead. Until that night, Sarah, I believed our relationship was over, you were so cold and distant. And you made it as obvious as possible for me to believe that there were something between Mic and you, that you had no feelings for me. And then you almost pushed me in Jordan's arms, remember. But after what happened in my home, there was no way I could touch another woman, Sarah. With you, love is magic, and I'm too old now to be satisfied by just physical pleasure. I love you and I want only you in my life, you or no one. "  
  
Mac was crying silently, grateful for heaven to grant her once again the chance of finding happiness with the man she wanted.  
  
" Harm, I was so weak, we lost so much time because of me. I love you Harm, and I almost destroyed us. Can you forgive me ? " " Forgive you for what ? It's useless to keep thinking about the past. I want us to speak about the future. We were moving too fast in Russia, I was not ready for something else at that moment, and I was so locked up in my obsessions, in the search and grief over my father, that I did not really pay attention to what you needed. I did not think deeper than the surface, because appearances were nice and easy to live with. And when I wanted our relationship to be different, I did not really bother to understand you or listen to you. I have been such an egoist for a long time, but I believe I'm changing. Even if I know I still need some time to learn how to open up. "  
  
Mac stood from the armchair she was sitting in and went to the couch where Harm was, cuddling in his arms. He hugged her with all tenderness he was feeling, trying to only convey in this embrace a pure and serene love. He was determined to get back to the beginning of their relationship, to share with her all steps they had missed one year earlier, discovering each other, building gradually a tender and true intimacy. He wanted to build a stable and long term relationship with Sarah, and would be patient while they worked on its foundations.  
  
He put a light kiss on her hair and stood, taking her with him :  
  
" I'll bring you home, Sarah. "  
  
An hour later, he stopped in front of Mac's building. He quickly went out of the car to open her door and took her bag.  
  
" Will you come with me ? " " I'll help you get settled and I'll leave as soon you feel better. " " You don't want to stay with me ? " " God, no, not this way, Sarah. I don't want our life together to be built on physical need, I want more for us, I want us to take our time. " " Stay all the same with me, I'll be a good girl . " answered Sarah, flashing an impish smile. " But don't let me alone tonight, please, not tonight. "  
  
Harm watched her, he knew he could not resist her, whatever she decided. He smiled at her, put his arm around her and whispered in her ear :  
  
" For the record, just remember I tried . "  
  
TBC 


	10. Breaking off 10

10/11  
  
NORTH OF UNION STATION - HARM'S APPARTMENT Friday, April 30th 1999  
  
Mac was lying on the couch, her eyes closed, her head resting on Harm's lap. Harm stroked her hair lovingly.  
  
He had had his last meeting with the surgeon in the afternoon and knew he had to speak to Mac : his vision was back to perfect, even at night, and he was able to go through all ability tests and might then fly again. But watching the woman he loved, so relaxed and confident near him, he feared the way she would react.  
  
He still was not sure if he really wanted to go back flying now that he could. Of course, he never really gave up on his career as a fighter pilot, but going back to sea duty and flying, assuming the Navy would accept this, would mean leaving Mac for several months.  
  
Harm was facing a choice he never before had thought would occur : planes, or Mac. And yet he was aware that what looked like a choice actually was not one, because it did not depend just on him. And much more he had no right to make a decision, whatever it would be, alone. He had no right to behave this way with Mac. This whole situation was really new for him, and he felt a little uncomfortable about it.  
  
During the whole week, each time he held her in his arms, during these wonderful moments of shared intimacy and tenderness when they both stayed silent, enjoying the soothing feeling of being together, Harm had hesitated about telling her about the surgery. But each time he opened his mouth to speak up, just at the last moment he stopped, afraid he would destroy what they had. How much longer could he be so weak and feel safe in this lie of omission ?  
  
Mac moved slowly on his lap, stretched like a cat and opened her eyes.  
  
" Do you think this is how happiness tastes ? "  
  
She looked up into Harm's eyes and smiled to him, reaching up to touch gently his cheek.  
  
" I can't believe this is real, I have this constant feeling you are going to vanish, I'm only dreaming and I'll wake up . without you . How long is it possible to be so happy ? " " I don't know, Sarah, this is new for me, too. . Sarah ? . " " .Mmmmmm. " " We have to talk . "  
  
A chill of anguish overwhelmed Mac. Harm's voice had barely changed. She stood up slowly and stepped away from the couch, studying his face. She could see clouds in Harm's blue eyes, clouds foreshadowing the approaching storm. Mac hugged herself, she was cold now, just a couple of steps away from Harm, and yet so far away.  
  
" What is happening ? You suddenly look so serious . " " I don't know . where to begin with . No, don't worry, come and sit just near me, it's going to help me. "  
  
Mac came back to the couch, sat down and let Harm put his arm around her shoulders, but did not really relax. Her instinct was shouting to her that she would not like what she was about to hear.  
  
" I met a doctor while you were in California, about my eyes, and I had some surgery . I have my vision totally back, even at night, Sarah . "  
  
Mac jumped and moved away from him again. She stood and walked to the window, her back to him. The information itself was not really alarming, but she felt Harm had not told her every thing yet, and she found it easier to wait before letting him know her reaction.  
  
Harm glanced at Mac, so silent and immobile and he clenched his fists to find enough courage for explanations.  
  
" I wanted to know the outcome of the surgery before telling you, Sarah, but this afternoon I met the surgeon, he ran the last tests, and my vision is perfect again . and I have no idea what to do . "  
  
She whirled back to him, her face showing a total lack of understanding.  
  
" What do you mean, 'what to do' ? " " . Well . when I met him for the first time, the situation between us was pretty tense, and as he spoke to me about a possible intervention which could bring my night vision back, I thought it was worth trying. If it was a success, I could use this event to request to get back on sea duty. I wanted to go back flying and this way not always be in conflict with you, put some distance between us, hoping it would help fade the pain I felt not living with you. But now . " " Now what ? " " Sarah, you are not really helping here, you know. " " Why should I help you ? You've got a situation coming that you don't want to deal with alone, and you are asking me to deal with it for you, right ? You want to go back to flying, but you have no idea how I'm going to react. So you let me make the decision for you, and then I'm the bad guy ! " " Sarah ! " " What, Sarah ? Just tell me I'm wrong, explain to me why you did not tell me about all this before ? " " I had the surgery last week, when could I have told you before ? " " Last week ? You mean when I came back from California ? " " Yes . and I just got the last tests today. Sarah, I don't want to leave you, not now, not ever. But at the same time, it was not my choice to stop flying, and I never really could get over it. You more than any one know what flying means to me. One year ago, I would have given anything to be able to make this decision about flying again, you know it, but today . I don't know any more . I want to fly, but I want you to be with me. I believe I want every thing . but what I want most is never to lose you. "  
  
Mac observed him closely. Harm's eyes were pleading for her help, but right now she was in no mood to give him the answers he was waiting for. The possibility Harm could leave was too painful for her to think about while speaking with him. Not now. Not when they had just reconnected one week before. She could not stay there and see how he would get away from her, grow distant. She needed some time to think this new situation out. Some time alone.  
  
She went to the door, took her jacket and her purse and turned toward Harm, still sitting, watching her with sad eyes.  
  
" I can't answer you right now, I can't stay, give me a little time . "  
  
Harm stood and went to the door, but Mac stopped him.  
  
" No, don't come to me, don't make things more difficult. I need to clear my mind, I'll call you tomorrow if I can. I'm not leaving, Harm, I just need to think alone about the situation, okay ? "  
  
And she went out of the apartment, not waiting for any answer.  
  
NORTH OF UNION STATION - HARM'S APARTMENT Sunday, May 2nd, 1999 - 0600 local time  
  
Lost in sullen thoughts, Harm was drinking his morning coffee. He was wondering about calling Sarah when a soft knock on the door was heard. So early in the morning, no one else but Mac would have dared to come meet him. He hurried to open the door and found her, dressed in jeans and jacket, a shy but open smile on her face.  
  
He was starving to pull her into his arms but did not dare to make any move, waiting for Mac to explain to him why she was there so early.  
  
" May I come in ? " " Oh, sure, sorry . "  
  
He stepped aside to let her in, still wondering why she was there.  
  
Mac turned toward him and began to speak, almost shyly :  
  
" I need to know more about planes and you. I checked the weather, it's going to be beautiful today, and I thought you could take me flying . to help me understand . that is, if you want. "  
  
Surprise mesmerized Harm. Mac had always refused to fly again with him since their misadventure in the Appalachians years ago, and he knew she disliked F-14s. The fact she was asking him to take her flying was surely a good sign. A smile took slowly life on his lips and he came to her, opening his arms.  
  
" If I want ? Of course, Sarah, I want to share this with you, nothing could make me happier. "  
  
As he started to pull her into his embrace, she stepped backwards.  
  
" No, Harm, please. I first want to go flying and try to understand, and afterwards, tonight, we'll speak about it, okay ? I spent the whole day yesterday trying to figure this out. If I let you go, I need to know why. " " You don't need to let me go, Sarah. If you want, I'll forget this opportunity. " " And I would accept to destroy the Harmon Rabb I'm in love with ? I would take the risk for you to turn bitter, to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened, and one day you would then resent me. No, Harm. But please, don't touch me now, or I won't be brave enough to help you achieve your dreams. "  
  
Harm stared at her and smiled tenderly.  
  
" What did I do to deserve you, Sarah ? " " We waited for each other long enough to deserve each other, Harm. Get ready, flyboy, heaven can't wait ! "  
  
JAG HQ - FALLS CHURCH VIRGINIA May, 3rd 1999  
  
Admiral Chegwidden read once again the request for a change of assignment that Lt Commander Harmon Rabb had just given to him. After the first instants of shock, he was now disappointed. His assumed heir wanted to leave him . He looked up at his officer, still standing in front of the desk, and observed him.  
  
" You don't feel at home with us, Commander ? You know that going back to flying is an important step backwards for your career. You are about to destroy every thing you have set up. Is this really what you want ? " " I don't consider it as a step backwards, Sir. I never made the decision to stop flying, and now that I have the opportunity to get back to sea duty, I can't let it go. " " Did you think long enough about all this ? You should wait a little more. " " No, Sir. I spent long enough thinking about it, and I spoke about it with . friends, and I have made my decision. If the Navy is willing to give me a chance again, I wish to give it a try. " " You are going to fly with pilots about half of your age, Commander. " " I don't think there are many 17-year-old pilots out there, Sir . "  
  
AJ understood how serious Harm's decision was, and even if he disagreed with his choice, he would support his request. It was a waste, but it was Harmon Rabb's life, not his own. He tried a last chance.  
  
" Are you sure you want to leave your girl friend for a six months deployment, Commander ? "  
  
Taken aback, Harm looked at him and finally stammered :  
  
" My girl friend, Sir ? " " I know this is not my business, but I heard you spend a lot of time with this young psychiatrist from Bethesda. Does she know about your decision ? " " Actually, Sir . I wanted to inform you about another change in my life, but I had thought about waiting a little longer . " " . " " It's . about . Major Mackenzie, Sir . "  
  
AJ stood, turned around his desk and crossed his arms on his chest, waiting for the officer to go on explaining. But Harm seemed to be frozen, unable to speak.  
  
" Well, Commander, I might as well change my opinion and believe it's better you go back flying . If you are not able any more to explain what you have in mind, your career as a lawyer could be pretty well damaged. " " I'm sorry, Sir, but I believe the major should be here. "  
  
AJ pressed a button on the phone and told Tiner to call in Major Mackenzie.  
  
A couple of minutes later, Tiner introduced Mac. She looked surprised to see Harm in the admiral's office. He had planned to give his request this morning, as they had decided it together on the evening before, but she truly did not understand why AJ was calling her in. She looked at Harm questioning, and he seemed to be uncomfortable. Oh God, he had not .  
  
" Major, Lt Commander Rabb just gave me a request to go back to sea duty, and now it looks like there is another change in his life involving you. Could you enlighten me, as it seems he does not want to explain it as long you are not present ? "  
  
Mac looked at Harm again, frowning, then turned toward AJ.  
  
" A change, Sir ? " " So, are you just like him unable to explain this to me, major ? " " No, Sir, but I believed . we would wait . till we knew if his request would be accepted before . telling you. But maybe it's better this way . Harm . Lt Commander Rabb and I . we are not only friends any more, Sir. We want to live together . " " Actually, Admiral, I wanted to propose to Major Mackenzie tonight, and marry her as soon my first deployment will be finished . this is, if my request is accepted . "  
  
Mac turned to Harm with a bright smile, cursing silently the uniform she was wearing and which forbade her to run into his arms. She had not believed Harm would so quickly ask her once again to marry him, but this time, she was ready.  
  
AJ looked at them, he wished he could know how long this situation had been running, know whether all questions he had wondered about these past months were pertinent, but he was aware his curiosity would remain open. And if Harm was not allowed to go back to flying, he would in any case lose one of his lawyers, unless he pulled Admiral's privilege.  
  
All the same, he had to add something :  
  
" I'm happy for you, but I don't understand why you make the choice to begin your life together with a six month separation, which will probably happen again and again on a regular basis. Aren't you afraid, Mac ? " " I am, Sir, but we've gotten through too many ordeals to not be sure about our love now, and I will never try to prevent Harm from pursuing his dreams, exactly as he will never stop supporting me whatever decision I will make. I spent a lot of time thinking about all this, Sir, and I'm sure about me, about us. " answered Mac turning toward Harm, a bright smile on her face.  
  
Without thinking he reached to Mac to take her hand , but let it immediately drop, remember where they stood. His smile was as bright as Mac's one. AJ still watched them and he understood how serious and deliberate their choice was, how strong their relationship would be.  
  
" I'll send your request with my recommendation over to the SecNav as soon as today, Commander. Dismissed ! "  
  
As Harm and Mac were about to leave, he called them back.  
  
" Harm, Mac ! I'm really happy for you. " " Thank you, Sir ! " they both responded together.  
  
NORTH OF UNION STATION - HARM'S APARTMENT May, 20th 1999  
  
They lay in each other's arms, trying to regain a regular breathing.  
  
They had taken Bud out for dinner to celebrate little AJ's birth, two days earlier, and to show him the emerald finally at home on Mac's hand. They had enjoyed Bud's surprised look, he seemed to be impatient to go back to his young spouse and tell her this great news : AJ's godparents were about to get married. Not now, as soon as Harm's first cruise would be over, in December.  
  
Harm's new assignment had not been as long as expected, as if the SecNav was thrilled about the occasion he was given to get rid of this Lt Commander Rabb dragging all possible problems around him. Harm had to report to Pensacola on Monday morning, four days later, where he would have one month training before being deployed to the Patrick Henry, in the Adriatic Sea.  
  
The admiral had given them both three days leave before Harm's departure, the last days they would spend together before long, the first days they were finally spending together officially as a couple, without hiding from friends, or even from themselves. They had spoke about visiting Trish Burnett in La Jolla, but Harm could not decide to share Sarah, even with his mother, during the last days they had together.  
  
Sure, he was the one leaving, and the excitement about flying again was real, but at the same time he was totally aware how much he would miss her : her smile, her voice, her smell, the warmth of her body in his arms, the taste of her skin on his lips. Was his will to achieve his childhood dream really worth the sacrifice they both had to make ? He was not yet away and he still doubted his choice. Sarah's absence would be much more difficult for him to accept than he had figured. And maybe he would not want to leave her again after he came back .  
  
" You're dreaming ?"  
  
Mac had her lips on his ear, she teased him with the tip of her tongue, and once again shivers ran from his lower back through his body. One of his hands wandered slowly down her body, covering her tensed breast, playing with its nipple. Harm pushed himself up on an elbow and contemplated Sarah's face and naked body.  
  
" I wish I could learn you by heart, I want to be able to close my eyes and see you, smell you, taste you. I wish I could take you with me .. " " Tshhh, Harm, forget tomorrow, enjoy the time being, we still have three days just the two of us together, forget every thing else . "  
  
Harm leaned over her and forgot the world around them, the time flowing away mercilessly and he lost himself willingly in her body.  
  
Mac watched Harm while he cooked breakfast, a dietetic drink for him, and fried eggs for her. Mac wanted these fried eggs, just to hear him tell her again and again that her food habits were not healthy : he was so cute when he took care of her this way. He was so cute all the time. How would she survive six months without him, while all her life for three years had been around Harm ? But for him, she had to be strong, she would have enough time to cry when he would be away and would not be hurt by her distress. She knew Harm would only be delivered from his obsessive dreams if he was able to be a pilot again. He had to understand alone that his life was now at JAG, with her. She did not want a man whose unachieved dreams would have shadowed the every day and simple life.  
  
But it was hurting her so much.  
  
She thought about little AJ's birth, three days earlier, about the emotion they both felt witnessing the arrival of this tiny human being. Harm's sunny smile was as bright as hers, and their eyes met, promising each other to live similar moments . with their own children.  
  
They never had spoken about children until now, and Mac suddenly felt this was the right moment.  
  
" Harm ? " " Yes ? " " I . we never spoke about this before, but I want . " " What do you want, Sarah ? " " I want to have children with you . "  
  
Harm's smile was better than an answer, and smiling he teased her.  
  
" Can you wait until breakfast is over ? "  
  
Mac laughed.  
  
" Stop joking, I was serious . " " I know . I just meant I want very much to have children with you, too, and as soon as possible. And in the mean time, I think we should go on practicing . immediately after my little tiger is fed ! "  
  
JAG HQ - FALLS CHURCH VIRGINIA May, 24th 1999  
  
Mac stepped out of her 'Vette and stopped a couple of minutes looking at the empty place where Harm usually parked his car. For the first time since she began working at JAG HQ, she would not see the tall figure of the lieutenant commander marching through the bullpen, she would not fight him in court, lose herself in his smile when he won a case, watch him as he spread out his spell to seduce a jury, argue with him during a difficult investigation.  
  
And worse, tonight she would go home to an empty apartment, and she would wait for his call, just like all these Navy wives she had so often met.  
  
Today, for the first time in her life, Sarah Mackenzie would wait for her man to be back.  
  
TBC 


	11. Breaking 11 a Warning : This is not a h...

11a/11  
  
BETHESDA HOSPITAL - MARYLAND February, 14th 2000  
  
" Breathe, Sarah, you're almost done, be strong . "  
  
Mac's waters had broken four hours earlier, and the baby was still not there. She wished she had a delivery as simple and fast as Harriet's one, but easiness was probably no longer what she could expect in her life.  
  
The baby was slowly moving down, the epidural anesthesia had been helpful to soothe the pain, and in some more minutes little Patricia Sarah Mackenzie would be born to the world.  
  
A little girl who would only be granted the name of her dad if the many legal proceedings Mac had set up would have a happy ending.  
  
A happy ending .  
  
How could she still use these words, while her strongest vital force had suddenly broke on this terrible day of July, 27th 1999, as the admiral had called her in his office.  
  
She had every tiniest detail of this day engraved in her memories.  
  
The weather was hot in Falls Church, as so often in summer, and the air conditioning was once more not running smoothly. They would have to budget it to be replaced , even in the courtrooms the atmosphere was sometimes too heavy and it disturbed the serenity of trials.  
  
Mac had once again been sick on that morning, but she accepted this morning sickness with gratitude, thinking about this life growing in her belly, about this baby, a true gift from Harm's love, who should be born not long after their wedding.  
  
The date was set, it would happen on December 19th, in the chapel of the USNA in Annapolis. Harm's mother, Trish, had already begun to plan it and Mac had stepped back to let her take care of it. It looked almost like Trish was happier than Mac, and Harm had told his fiancée laughingly that it would be better not to challenge his mother, unless Trish made decisions Mac could really not agree with. So Mac had let her take care of every thing, enjoying this so new feeling of being mothered.  
  
As she entered the admiral's office, the storm began, bringing some welcomed coolness. AJ Chegwidden stood near the window, his back toward her, he watched as the rain poured on the dry ground. Something in his behavior had Mac worrying, he looked like . downcast . like groggy .  
  
She walked to the desk, stood at attention and announced herself .  
  
" Major Mackenzie, reporting as ordered, Sir. "  
  
He did not answer right away, did not turn to her. After a while, he spoke, his voice trembling imperceptibly.  
  
" Take a seat, Mac. "  
  
He finally turned around and came to her, leaning on his desk, obviously struggling for his self control. Mac felt an icy hand grabbed her heart. AJ was not speaking, not looking at her, and tears rushed to Mac's eyes, irrepressible.  
  
" It's about Harm, Sir ? "  
  
AJ found eventually enough courage to look at her in the eyes and began his explanation, his voice unsure.  
  
" Captain Ingles, commanding officer aboard the USS Patrick Henry, just called me to inform us. This morning, Lt Commander Rabb was leading a mission over Bosnia when they were fired at, and Lieutenant Medwick's F14 was severely damaged. To avoid forcing the pilot and his RIO to eject above an hostile place, Lt Commander Rabb tried and succeeded in pushing the F14 of his wingman till they were above the sea. And just as Harm's plane disengaged, his canopy broke under the pressure and . Harm was already dead before his plane crashed in the sea, Mac. "  
  
Words could no longer find their way through Mac's mind, she was cold, and suddenly her stomach rebelled. No, not now !! . She ran to the bathroom, her colleagues smiling at this now so usual behavior without noticing her devastated face and the tears on her cheeks. During a long time, she stayed there, curled up on the floor, her hands covering her belly, trying to protect the last part of Harm still living in her, unable to move or react.  
  
Half an hour later, Carolyn Imes and Loren Singer arrived in the bathroom. The crew had been informed about the accident by the admiral, who had told the two women to take care of Mac while he was calling Trish Burnett.  
  
With a voice as soft as she could, Carolyn had spoken to Mac, forcing her to get out of the desperate apathy overwhelming her, telling her she had to fight for her baby. Slowly, Mac stood up, went out of the box and washed herself as best she could with the help of her colleagues. She had looked at Carolyn, then at Loren, and her shattered voice finally uttered one only word :  
  
" Why ? "  
  
But no one had any answer.  
  
" Push now, Madam, I can see the head " ordered the gynecologist, bringing her back into the present, in this delivery room where Trish had agreed to be with her. Harm's mother was holding her hand, wiping her brow and talking to her softly.  
  
Trish watched this young woman who would spend her life mourning a Rabb who met death flying, just like she had. She was mourning a son, but was also crying over the terrible fate destroying her family. She had no idea how her heart had not broken after Admiral Chegwidden had called her to tell her about the accident. She had then only focused from this moment on the young and pregnant woman who was expecting her son's baby, and who would need all her help and love to bring this pregnancy to its term. And she had immediately began to pray for the baby to be a girl, a little girl who would mean the end of this obvious curse hanging over the Rabb family.  
  
" Hold on, Sarah, you're almost done ."  
  
But Mac was not there, the contraction was over and her mind wandered far away from this room, to Arlington cemetery where Harm's body had been buried one week after the accident. A body she had not been allowed to see one last time. His heroic gesture had been praised with a second posthumous Distinguished Flying Cross and the Navy insisted to grant him a military homage.  
  
Trish Burnett and Sarah Rabb, the only Sarah Rabb who would ever exist, Harm's grandmother, had apparently found some comfort in the military decorum of the day. But nothing could help Mac forget ever just one second the simple fact that the body of the man she loved was lying in that coffin draped with the American flag, nothing. Neither the four white horses pulling the catafalque, nor the marines in dress blues marching ahead and the presence of the SecNav and POTUS' Chief of Staff who were supposed to grant a medal to a dead hero .  
  
Mac had to make an effort to come to the burial, she wished she could have hidden away in Harm's apartment, curled in the middle of that bed where she had been so happy, for such a short time, remembering him alive, his sweet touches, his kisses, his warmth. And here she stood, side by side with Harm's mother and grandmother, a new generation, even if unofficial, of these Navy wives who had sacrificed their man for . for what ? the proud of a nation, the honor of a country, peace, but which peace ? Mac did not remember any of her military reflexes, she was only a broken woman who had nothing in common with the Marines Corps Major whose uniform she was wearing.  
  
As admiral Chegwidden, who had insisted on commanding the honor guard, gave the folded flag to Trish, Mac thought with relief that in Arlington at least she would not have to go through the flying over the burial of these F14s she hated now. She could not stop thinking about this day from last May, when she had insisted that Harm fulfill all his dreams and she felt as though she had killed him.  
  
She could not stop feeling guilty since the first moment she had known about the accident, and doctor Ashton had many times to step in strongly to bring Mac out of the despair she was drowning in. And yet, she repeated herself every day she could have behaved different these past months, and the accident would never have happened. If she had told Harm about her marriage before Chris came back, if she had been strong enough to face her problems earlier, if she had accepted his ring the first time he told her he loved her . if . if . if . if she had not agreed to let him go back flying, if she had been selfish instead of having his needs and wishes be more important than hers, if she had been able to face the risk of having Harm maybe frustrated, but alive ; alive with her and their kids . She would have known how to help him forget planes, she would have taught him how to make them be first in his life, how to live for his family . this family he would never have, this baby he would never see.  
  
Standing just a couple of feet away from this casket they would soon return to earth, Mac did not hear any thing, neither the birds chirping in the sunny morning, nor the priest's words about eternity and resurrection, nor the Secnav's speech praising an officer he so often criticized during the past. She was crying, but gradually a smile appeared on her lips. She was not here any more, she was with Harm, in his arms, in his plane, investigating with him, in court with him, in bed with him. Only the body of the man she was in love with was lying in this prison, but Harm's mind was still with her, and soon, when this child he had given to her would be raised, she would join him .  
  
She had to suffer the sympathy of all people she did not care for, people telling her again and again how faithful and true Harm was, how they all would miss him. And they thought they were helping her telling that ?  
  
At least, she was comforted by Tuna, Skippy and Skates, who survived the disaster that caused Harm's death, and could recount to her Harm's last days. Tuna had shared Harm's cabin on the Patrick Henry, and he managed to have her smiling as he explained how Harm hurried to read her emails each time they were coming back from a mission, how he was each time glowing to have news from 'his Sarah' and how he was almost deafening him by speaking about her. Skates, who had been able to eject from the Tomcat before it crashed, made her laugh telling her how Harm could not understand, just two weeks earlier, why he received an internet greetings card announcing him a stork would deliver a baby in his home next February. As if speaking to a two year old toddler, Tuna and Skates explained to a stunned Harm, making a lot of fun of him, sometimes even a little blue, how 'his Sarah' was telling him about a future baby Rabb . From that evening on, Harm had a new light glowing in his eyes, and Skates had almost be envious of such a powerful happiness .  
  
A new stronger contraction brought Mac back in reality, voices around her exhorted her to make one more effort, the last one, and in the middle of all these voices telling her to push now, she just discerned one voice, so warm, so loving, so real .  
  
" I'm here, Sarah, I'm with you, just one more effort, my love, our baby is almost with us. "  
  
Mac closed her eyes, focusing on this voice she loved so much, imploring him to not leave her now, and focusing on the child she was giving life to. Harm was with her and gave her his strength, helped her to regain some courage.  
  
Just as the little Patricia Sarah screamed coming out in the world, her mother, her eyes still closed, screamed too .  
  
" Harm ! "  
  
And the voice spoke again, so present, so loving :  
  
" I'm still here, Sarah, I will always be with Patricia and you. I love you both and I will never let you alone. Each time you will be together, I'll be with you. I love you, Sarah . "  
  
And the voice vanished as abruptly as she had began, replaced by the medical staff making comments and taking care of the baby, finally putting her on Mac's belly. Mac did not know any more why she was crying, nor for how long, or if she would stop one day .  
  
One hour later, Mac was taken back into her room, full of flowers and balloons. On the white dresser sat proudly a huge Teddy Bear, bigger than little AJ, dressed in a flight jacket, harboring goggles and an old helmet, seemingly ready to fly over the Atlantic aboard the Spirit of St Louis. From his arm flew another balloon, with the golden words 'for Pat, our little princess, from Tuna, Skippy and Skates'.  
  
But the only thing really important for Mac in this room was the infant sleeping in her Plexiglas crib, surrounded by the loving protection of her grand mother and her great grand mother. For the two old ladies, this little girl was a priceless gift and Mac wished once again that her request would succeed, and that Patricia will soon be legally named Rabb. But even if her request was denied, the baby would always be a Rabb in the heart of any one around her.  
  
Mac's friends came into the room, silent, ready to leave in the second if they were interrupting, but Mac's bright smile was an invitation for them to feel comfortable. AJ forgot his usual discretion and kissed the young mother on both cheeks, telling her how much little Pat was cute and beautiful, and how honored he felt that she asked him to be her godfather.  
  
Harriet put down another flowers spray, and as Mac began to protest they were all spoiling her, Harriet added :  
  
" No, Ma'am, these flowers were sent from Australia, from Bud, Loren and Mic. Bud wished he could be there for you today, but their investigation is quite complicated, and as I told him on phone the labor had begun, Mic Brumby dragged them into a flower shop. They called three times before now to know how things are and how you feel, Ma'am. "  
  
Mac smiled, all her friends were around her. Even if the only person who really mattered would never more be physically with her, she knew that Pat and her would be taken care of by a loving family and caring friends.  
  
Moments later, Sarah was finally alone with her baby to feed her for the first time. As the little mouth opened voraciously, Sarah had the so real feeling again someone was there, and while the baby sucked avidly, she heard this voice she would never forget :  
  
" I'm with you, Sarah, I love you two and I'll always protect you. "  
  
Slowly, Mac felt asleep, her baby on her heart, dulled by the warmth of a love which would never fade.  
  
At the same time, on another continent, Bud Roberts and Loren Singer were crossing the Sydney harbor on a ferry, at night, and under the Sydney Harbor Bridge, not really knowing why, he explained to Lt Singer  
  
" You know they wrote Eternity on this bridge in lights on New Year's Eve . " " So ? And do you have a lot more platitudes all the same to tell me, Lt ? "  
  
THE END 


	12. Breaking off 11 b This is THE happy end

11b/11  
  
BETHESDA HOSPITAL - MARYLAND February, 14th 2000  
  
" Breathe, Sarah, you're almost done, be strong . "  
  
Mac's waters had broken four hours earlier, and the baby was still not there. She wished she had a delivery as simple and fast as Harriet's one, but easy was not really the motto that prevailed until now in her relationship with Harm, thought Mac, and she smiled .  
  
The baby was slowly moving down, the epidural anesthesia had been helpful to soothe the pain, and in some more minutes little Patricia Sarah Rabb would be born to the world.  
  
Harm observed his young spouse and felt a little wrong to be so happy , so totally fulfilled and serene while it was obvious Mac found the delivery to be dragging out .  
  
She had called four hours earlier. He was in court as Tiner hurried breathlessly in the room, interrupting the hearing to inform him. Admiral Morris, who liked the two brilliant lawyers, even if he never showed it, dismissed the session to allow the soon to be father to drive to Bethesda. Harm respected none of the speed limitations on his way, slaloming through the cars on the Beltway, arriving barely five minutes after his wife at the hospital.  
  
How could he once have believed that flying was so important ? He had almost lost every thing during his short deployment on the Patrick Henry and wondered every day since he was back why heaven had given him so often one more chance to control and change his life, until he actually could win this happiness he would praise and protect till his death.  
  
He remembered that day in July, when a so normal and usual mission he was flying with his wingman Tuna above Serbia almost turned to tragedy.  
  
It was a miracle he still could not explain, but he managed to push Tuna's damaged F14 with his own until they were flying over the Atlantic, the canopy resisted the shock and he landed safe on the carrier. Every one had considered this act to be a true heroic one, but Harm considered it sometimes as approaching the edge of insanity. As he stepped out of his Tomcat under the cheers of the crew and the CAG, he had only one thought : he had almost lost any chance to see Sarah again, to know this baby she was expecting and she had told him about one week earlier. He had realized he was no longer willing to play these games, this deployment would be his only one, even if he had to leave the Navy and work for a civilian law firm. He had now all the answers he had spent his life looking for : they were not flying somewhere around in the sky, they smiled at him in the eyes of a woman.  
  
Just a few days after the almost mishap, Captain Pike, his CAG, explained him with diplomacy that his future was no longer flying a Tomcat, and had informed him that Captain Ingles was still in touch with Admiral Chegwidden to have him join JAG HQ again.  
  
How many calls had Admiral Chegwidden had to make to have Harm working back for him now that the date for the wedding was set, this was a mystery Harm had been wondering about, but just as Harriet he was now assigned to the Inspector General and was TAD at JAG HQ.  
  
After his return, as Bobbi Latham congratulated him smiling about his new assignment and his new rank as Commander, he had understood that she had probably helped the Admiral, but he could not learn anything more, and honestly he did not really care. Only one thing mattered, he was with Sarah again.  
  
" Push now, Madam, I can see the head " requested the gynecologist, bringing Harm back into the present, in this delivery room where their first child was about to be born.  
  
He wiped his wife's brow , took her hand in his and kissed her, whispering  
  
" Hold on, Sarah, you're almost done ."  
  
Once the contraction was over, he observed her hand, the wedding ring and the emerald ring Sarah had been so slow to accept.  
  
Harm remembered the incredible happiness he had experienced on that day of December in the USNA chapel in Annapolis, as Sarah became his wife and how he had thought he would never be happier. But since this incredible day, the feeling was still just the same.  
  
The two officers had let Trish, Harm's mother, take care of the planning as soon Harm was aboard the Patrick Henry. Trish looked almost happier than Mac, and Harm had told his fiancée laughingly that it would be better not to challenge his mother, unless Trish made decisions Mac could really not agree with. So Mac had let her take care of every thing, enjoying this so new feeling of being mothered.  
  
Harm had been back earlier than they had thought, he left the Patrick Henry in the middle of October and was soon in DC . with her. But they did not want to bring forward the wedding, they would have had to give up on Annapolis, where Harm's parents had been married too, and Trish's planning, who wanted a truly unforgettable party for her son and the soon to be daughter-in-law she was crazy about, could sure not be brought forward either. And honestly, they were just so happy to be together again, so sure they were of how strong their mutual love was that making their relationship official did not really matter.  
  
On the first evening after his return, Harm could not stop staring at Mac's figure. Maternity gave her a new fullness, she was gorgeous . and he felt almost shy, he did not dare to take her in his arms.  
  
Sarah cuddled up against him and began to drop light kisses on his neck, slipping her hands under his shirt to touch his chest, then taking the buttons off and teasing his nipples with her tongue. He was not moving, enjoying every touch, wanting her like crazy, but so scared to hurt her. Of course, he had never made love to a pregnant woman before this night, and was afraid about the strength of his desire hurting the baby. Finally, Sarah was concerned that her fiancé did not react, except for the obvious physical reaction, and she looked up at him, questioning and unsure.  
  
" Harm ? " " I'm afraid I could hurt the baby and you, Sarah . " " Harm, you can't hurt the baby if you make its mom happy, you just have . to let me take the lead, pilot . "  
  
And Harm let Sarah lead him to their bed and just before he forgot anything except her, he once again wondered how he had been stupid enough to take the risk of losing every thing for . the dream of a little boy.  
  
A new stronger contraction brought Harm back near his wife , voices around Mac exhorted her to make one more effort, the last one, and he added his voice :  
  
" I'm here, Sarah, I'm with you, just one more effort, my love, our baby is almost with us. "  
  
Mac closed her eyes, focusing on this voice she loved so much and on the child she was giving life to. Harm was with her and gave her his strength, helped her to regain some courage.  
  
Just as the little Patricia Sarah screamed coming out in the world, her mother, her eyes still closed, screamed too .  
  
" Harm ! "  
  
And Harm, tears in his eyes, kissed his wife and answered her :  
  
" I'm with you, Sarah. I love you . "  
  
The midwife interrupted him, asking if the new dad wanted to cut the cord.  
  
As Harm held for the first time his daughter in his arms, before laying her on her mom's belly, his eyes did not leave Mac's eyes.  
  
One hour later, Mac was taken back into her room, full of flowers and balloons. On the white dresser sat proudly a huge Teddy Bear, bigger than little AJ, dressed in a flight jacket, harboring goggles and an old helmet, seemingly ready to fly over the Atlantic aboard the Spirit of St Louis. From his arm flew another balloon, with the golden words 'for Pat, our little princess, from Tuna, Skippy and Skates'.  
  
But the only things really important for Mac in this room were the infant sleeping in her Plexiglas crib, surrounded by the loving protection of her grand mother and her great grand mother, and the man standing near the window, looking lovingly at them.  
  
Their friends came into the room, silent, ready to leave in the second if they were interrupting, but Mac's bright smile was an invitation for them to feel comfortable. AJ forgot his usual discretion and kissed the young mother on both cheeks, telling her how much little Pat was cute and beautiful, and how honored he felt that she asked him to be her godfather.  
  
Harriet put down another flowers spray, and as Mac began to protest they were all spoiling her, Harriet added :  
  
" No, Ma'am, these flowers were sent from Australia, from Bud, Loren and Mic. Bud wished he could be there for you today, but their investigation is quite complicated, and as I told him on phone the labor had began, Mic Brumby dragged them into a flower shop. They called three times before now to know how things are and how you feel, Ma'am. "  
  
Mac smiled, all her friends were around her.  
  
Just like they had all been present on their wedding day, in this intimidating chapel, while snow was hiding Annapolis under an immaculate cover.  
  
Wearing a gorgeous white dress, a gift from Trish and Frank, especially created for her by a young and talented stylist from New York, a dress which highlighted her maternity beautiful figure while hiding some too obvious details, Sarah entered the chapel, Admiral Chegwidden near her. As she walked toward the altar, toward the handsome officer in dress whites waiting for her, she remembered the way she had teased him a couple of years earlier in Colombia : even if she would never admit it, golden wings and dress whites, and this bright and sunny smile he was so often shooting at her, had seduced her almost immediately, against her will. She still had no idea how she had been able to resist him so long, more than one full year, before running into his arms . and she had almost destroyed every thing, she had almost given up such a complete and magical happiness .  
  
Mac looked up at Harm, now sitting on her bed, and she slipped her hand into his.  
  
Moments later, Mac and Harm were alone with their baby and Mac fed her for the first time. As the little mouth opened voraciously, Harm put his strong hand on Mac's shoulder, and while the baby sucked avidly, she heard him whisper again :  
  
" I'm with you, Sarah, I love you two and I'll always protect you. "  
  
Slowly, Mac felt asleep, her baby on her heart, in the soft embrace of her husband, dulled by the warmth of a love she knew would last as long as eternity.  
  
At the same time, on another continent, Bud Roberts and Loren Singer were crossing the Sydney harbor on a ferry, at night, and under the Sydney Harbor Bridge, not really knowing why, he explained to Lt Singer  
  
" You know they wrote Eternity on this bridge in lights on New Year's Eve . " " So ? And do you have a lot more platitudes all the same to tell me, Lt ? "  
  
THE END 


End file.
